Inbox
by Mathematica
Summary: 9: This is Jabba the Hutt. Please leave a message.
1. Anakin Skywalker

**NOTE:  
**Well, my laptop charger has died, so I can't do any work on IAS until it's back up. So, to keep myself writing, I thought I'd do this. Thanks to my awesome beta/friend/fellow writer **frodogenic **for her lovely advice and edits, as ever!

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**Inbox  
**_by Mathematica

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_

_Hello, this is Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker, aka The Hero With No Fear, the Chosen One or Damn You Skywalker, Do You Know How Much That Tunic Cost?, if you're talking to Ferus. At this moment, I am either duelling Separatists, meeting with the Council, teaching my Padawan how to hotwire speeders or discussing politics with Senator Amidala. Therefore, I obviously am not able to take your transmission. Please leave a message, and I shall get back to you at my earliest convenience – which, put bluntly, equates to when I can pick up a comlink without having to worry about losing my other arm as well or when I actually have a free hand with which to – Yes, Obi-Wan? No, I __– this does _so_ sound__ official, you bantha-herding – wait, hang on,__ what was that? Wha- yes, I would include some sort of explanation, but I think I'm running out of ti – _

_-beep-_

Anakin … this is Obi-Wan. Please update your answer-holocom message. The Council is getting a bit ... nervous ... about the image that you project.

Anyway, good luck on your mission to Accidentia. I think you'll need it. They say that the Separatist armies have long since left the area, but knowing your track record with such things, they'll turn up in thousands just to get a shot at you. As for leaving Ahsoka with me ... lets just say that I'm wounded that you place so little value on my life or my sanity. She's been good so far, but I think that's only because she's missing you. I'm still waiting for something to explode whenever I step into the apartment.

May the Force be with you, old friend.

_-beep-_

Master, 'Soka here. Enjoy your suicide run. Don't forget you promised to teach me how to splice into the Council records when you get back.

_-beep-_

Mr Skywalker, this is Mos Espa Lending Library. Your copy of the book "Pod Racing for Beginners" is eleven years, eight months and two days overdue. Furthermore, we would like to remind you that since you were a slave at the time of borrowing said item, you did not have any legal right to check out the book in the first place. The fines for this object, including your legal costs, now total 5871 Huttese Credits. Payments can be made in gold, cash, objects or slaves. Have a nice day.

_-beep-_

The Council wishes you good luck on your mission, Knight Skywalker. May the Force be with you.

_-beep-_

Anakin, I was looking at your holocom image again – and I just noticed that you appear to have a tattoo on your arm. When did you get it, and why does it look like something to do with Senator Amidala and her, erm, _personal statistics_?

Listen, Intelligence has revealed that Grievous's forces are regrouping west of the equator for a frontal attack, so – wait, Ahsoka, I'm talking to Anakin. What? No, you can't have the comm, this is important Council business – _bed_, Ahsoka! Now! No, I don't care if you – wait, what the – no, no, don't you _dare_ – oh _blast it_! Ahsoka, you stupid, irresponsible, impulsive ... Force, Anakin, I'm going to have to call you back. It seems that _your_ Padawan has – no, Ahsoka, the fire extinguisher is to the left – no, the _other_ left! –

_-beep-_

Mr Skywalker, this is the Mos Espa Lending Library. Look_, _I don't care if your Master stuck the book in a hyperdrive eleven years ago or if you burnt it for fuel on Hoth; the fines are outstanding, and we need them paid. We would also need to see you in court some time this season. Remember that as a slave, you are not entitled to legal representation of any kind. With the cost of the book added on to your legal fees and previous fines, you would be paying 7423 Huttese Credits. Have a nice day.

_-beep-_

MasterthisisSokaI'mreallysorryIdidn'tmeantodoitpleasedon'tkillme -

_-beep-_

Skywalker, this is Windu. The charge for repainting my speeder that _your_ Padawan defaced with images of your face figures at around 1000 credits. The charge for allowing your Padawan to get away with such misdemeanours by telling her that "Windy loves me really, I'm sure of it" is cleaning out the Temple 'freshers for two weeks upon your return without the use of the Force. Windu out.

_-beep-_

Hey sexy, it's me. I noticed that on the holonet you have long curly hair and blue eyes. I like that in a woman. So, I'll light _your_ sabre any - hang on, on second thoughts, you seem to be male. Never mind. Forget I called.

_-beep-_

Anakin, this is Obi-Wan. Hurry up and get home soon, before Ahsoka completely destroys what's left of my sanity. I think the trick for dealing with her is not to have any in the first place. Rather like you, actually.

_-beep-_

100001010100011100011100010101000111111111001001011

_-beep-_

Master, this is 'Soka. Hurry up and get home, will you? Master Obi-Wan is such a – why no, Master, I was just … uh, calling the cleaners –

_-beep-_

Hello, Mr. Anakin Skywalker! We at Coruscant Credit Union greatly value the contributions that our brave Jedi Knights make to the galaxy, and we'd like to express our appreciation by pre-qualifying you for the Coruscant Credit Union Quadranium Club Card, starting at an amazing credit limit of 5,000 credits! Low interest rates, high credit limits, and frequent spacegoer mile programs are just a few of the benefits available to Quadranium Club Card members! Look us up on the Holonet and transmit your personalized code to claim your new Quadranium Club Card today!

_-beep-_

Windu here. Look, Skywalker, I don't _care_ if you're a Knight now; I am still technically your superior, and can therefore dole out "assignments" to you as I see fit. And what's all this nonsense about a Club Card, anyway?

_-beep-_

Anakin, son, this is Palpatine. Have you thought of our discussion on good and evil? Remember, good is only a point of view - and might I recommend to you _The Prince_, by Machiavelli, for some further reading?

_-beep-_

Knight Skywalker, this is Supply. Your new lightsabre is ready. Could you please stop by and pick it up? Incidentally, what happened to the other twenty-three lightsabres you've lost this year?

_-beep-_

Anakin, why are you trying to sell Master Windu into slavery? I mean, I thought what with - no, Ahsoka. Wait - oh _Force_ where did you learn to do _that_? Ah_soka_!

_-beep-_

Knight Skywalker, this is a message from Senator Amidala. Lady Amidala kindly requests your presence at the earliest possible convenience, as she has something of yours that you left with her on your previous mission together. She says that it is a _personal_ item, so she would appreciate its retrieval as soon as possible.

_-beep-_

100001010100011100011100010101!!!!!0001111100011100010100101101000010101010001110!!!!!!!!!!

_-beep-_

Don't listen to a word he says, Master Anakin! That no-good sorry overgrown garbage disposal - he'll pay for this!

_-beep-_

Mr Skywalker, this is the Coruscant Traffic Authority. You have hereby been fined 5000 credits for running up 30 speeding fines last week in the vicinity of 500 Republica, and for exceeding the legal speed limit by around 100 miles an hour. Payments must be made within the next five working days, or legal action will be taken. Have a nice day.

_-beep-_

Are you having trouble starting a family? At our Secure Planning and Examination of Relationship Matters Clinics (SPERM Clinics), we can help you sort out your relationship troubles, and more! Call today! Standard rates apply.

_-beep-_

Um, Master? 'Soka here. You know those … objects … that we borrowed from Master Windu? Well, I think that Master Obi-Wan might have found them. It's not my fault, honest! If he wasn't such a neat freak he never would have seen them! Seriously, what kind of weirdo cleans other people's bedrooms? You see how crazy he is? Actually, you lived with him for twelve years, you'd know that anyway ...

_-beep-_

Skywalker, Windu here. I know you know damn well why all my undergarments are mysteriously disappearing. You and that infantile Padawan of yours.

_-beep-_

A mistake to assign Padawan Tano to you, it was. Thick as thieves, you two are. Many grey hairs, Master Kenobi now has. Suit him, they do not. Eh heh heh heh.

_-beep-_

Knight Skywalker, this is Agent Brian Ellesie of the Naboo Environmental Protection Agency. We have received a report claiming that you illegally entered a natural wildlife park in the Varykino district and proceeded to torment a herd of protected shaak approximately two years ago. As a result, the NEPA has begun legal proceedings against you. Have a nice day.

_-beep-_

Knight Skywalker, this is a message from the Coruscant Prison Board. As you have four law suits filed against you in three different systems and will be subsequently incarcerated in one of our affiliated prisons, it would be most beneficial to us if you could give an inspirational talk to our young offenders about how being a Jedi kept you from pursuing a life of crime, and ... oh blast this. Anyone got a number for Palpatine?

_-beep-_

Knight Skywalker, this is the Temple Bursar. I don't care if you're the bloody Chosen One or if you're Darth Bane, you're paying those fines yourself.

_-beep-_

Sir, this is Cody. The only sign of enemy activity that we've found is a shot down flagship. Permission to defecate on it, sir?

_-beep-_

Anakin, this is Obi-Wan. Please can you come back and retrieve your errant Padawan before I strangle her with my bare hands? She gets it from you, you know. I'm sure of it.

_-beep-_

Knight Skywalker, this is Supply. I was shocked and grieved by the tone of your last message to me. I can assure you, I _do_ "have a life", as you so rudely phrased it, and it certainly does _not_ revolve around "counting how many of the bloody things I've lost since I came to this stupid place". Might I suggest an elementary course in manners from a protocol droid instead?

_-beep-_

Ani, it's Obi-Wan here. As your long-suffering Master with the patience of a saint, I _am_ aware that if your weapon really _were_ your life, then yes, you would be dead by now. All the same, you have set a temple record for the most lightsabres lost in a career and you're only what, twenty one?

_-beep-_

Knight Skywalker, Brian from the NEPA. Um—if Senator Amidala says it's okay, then we'll let it go this time. But please refrain from further infractions. Shaak are people, too.

_-beep-_

Consider yourself expelled from the Order until my missing items of clothing are returned, Skywalker.

_-beep-_

IthrewthemdownthegarbagechuteMasterI'mreallyreallysorrypleasedon'tkillme –

_-beep-_

Mr Skywalker, the Coruscant Traffic Authority regrets to inform you that it cannot accept a second-hand speeder with the engine missing as payment for your traffic fines. Nor do we accept Huttese Credits as a form of currency. In any case, the amount you referred to would only change into five Republic Credits at the current rate of exchange. For future reference, we do not accept objects, slaves or IOUs as methods of payment. Kindly find some alternative means of paying your debts. Thank you.

_-beep-_

Knight Skywalker, this is a message from the office of Senator Amidala. When she was referring to an object that you forgot on Naboo, she actually meant your spare black robe. Are you really implying that she's fat enough to look pregnant?

_-beep-_

Mr Anakin Skywalker, Horizon Galactica values you as a faithful customer! That's why we'd like to offer you the latest upgrade! For just ninety-nine credits, you could have unlimited long-distance Holonet calls _up-to-twenty-five-light-years-from-five-to-nine-Galactic-Standard-Time-not-including-officially-recognized-holidays-and-weekends-other-restrictions-may-apply_, as well as free calls to fellow Horizon Galactica customers on Galactic Standard Time weekends! Just visit us on the Holonet to enter your personalized code and receive your upgrade at a great discount! Horizon Galactica—Raising the Bar.

_-beep-_

Sir, this is Moteé. Milady says that if you want to apologise, she's very partial to Alderaanian chocolates at this moment in time.

_-beep-_

Anakin, Obi-Wan here. You'd better be completing your mission by now. I'm counting the days until I can get rid of your –oh, what's the use, you never answer this damn thing anyway.

_-beep-_

Skywalker, this is Nejaa Halcyon. Don't worry about the other night. Believe me, I've had my share of arguments with my, er, _partner_ too. You know, you and the Senator ought to drop by Corellia some time and I can introduce you to the family. A Code-breakers' Convention sort of thing. Call me when you get back and we'll work out a date.

_-beep-_

Skywalker, I do not take "Hutt size" undergarments. Windu.

_-beep-_

Master! Thank the Force you're coming back today! Because I really – no, um, Master Obi-Wan, I was just, um, ordering some takeout. Ah, that'll be two orders of fried nerf sausage and a side of, erm, doopa rolls, please. The Jedi Temple, Apartment 153-B … twenty minutes? Thanks!

_-beep-_

Ani, you're still sleeping on the couch.

_-beep-_

Welcome home, Knight Skywalker. You have **344** unread messages in your GalacticTech inbox.


	2. Emperor Palpatine

**NOTE:  
**This chapter is courtesy of my fellow collaborator **frodogenic**. I only did the edits :D So direct all your reviews to her genius!

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**Inbox II**  
_By frodogenic_

_

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_

_Hello. You have reached Emperor Palpatine's holocom message inbox. To leave a message for Darth Sidious, please press 2. His Imperial Majesty the Emperor Palpatine, May He Live Forever Etc., is currently preoccupied with much more significant matters than anything a mere mortal such as yourself could possibly wish to say to him—such as running the galaxy, balancing the Imperial budget, torturing underlings, killing Rebels etc. etc.—and therefore is not able to take your transmission. However, His Imperial Majesty (et. al) will in his great generosity condescend to listen to whatever drivel you record herein and respond, if he so chooses and if it should be convenient to do so. Kindly try to keep the idiotic rambling to a minimum. His Imperial Majesty is a very busy man, working for the glory of the Empire!  
_

_-beep-_

Master, this is Vader. I see that you are preoccupied, so I shall attempt to contact you at a later time. This is about Project Killer Grapefruit, by the way. It's, ah, _rounding_ _out_ nicely.

_-beep-_

Your Majesty, this is Griin Selerié from the Naboo Horticultural Society reminding you that the NHS Galactic Goldstar Members' Convention will be held in Theed in two weeks. Our theme this year is "Carnations and Cardinality." All our members are encouraged to share a story about what deeper significance carnations have for their personal lives. Once again, the NHS is deeply honored to count Your Majesty among our Goldstar Members. And personally, I'd like to take the opportunity to applaud you for your outstanding work with daffodils—that was just a beautiful arrangement you had on display at the Coruscant Arboretum the other weekend.

_-beep-_

Your Majesty, this is Admiral Firmus Piett. I would respectfully like to discuss the leadership qualities and style of Lord Vader with you, if at all possible. I and several of my coworkers here in Your Majesty's Navy feel that much could be done to improve the, ah, _working relationship_ between naval officers and Lord Vader.

_-beep-_

This is Luke Skywalker. How in the krething nine hells did you get my private comlink number?

_-beep-_

Your Majesty, this is a message from Grulbanks, Wimmiford, and Grulbanks of Serenno regarding the estate of Count Yann Dooku. We've reviewed your claims to the deceased's assets in reference to the aforementioned Yann Dooku's Last Will and Testament, and once again we must conclude that you have absolutely no right to appropriate the estate. Count Dooku's will clearly stipulates that in the event of his death all of his possessions were to revert to the Serenno Wildlife Preservation Fund, and as has been established the last thirty nine times Your Majesty has appealed this decision. Further to your last transmission, we would simply like to point out that although Your Majesty "is the Senate", he is not the Serenno Wildlife Preservation Fund. Therefore our office will proceed with executing the will of the deceased. Unless, of course, you wish to file an appeal with the Serenno Civil Court System, in which case we are certain you will lose for the TWELFTH time.

_-beep-_

Mr. Palpatine, my name is Kel Druzka. I'm looking for an upstanding, financially responsible partner to help me start a tinatium mine on Bimmisaari. You see, I've discovered tinatium on some land that the current owner is willing to sell for five thousand credits. All you need to do is wire me the five thousand and I'll buy the property and oversee the mining operation. For a small, effortless investment of five thousand I promise you'll get a return of several million credits! Just wire five thousand credits to my associate Ungadi at 890345776. You won't regret it!

_-beep-_

Hello, Mr. Palpatine! We at Coruscant Credit Union greatly value the contributions of our stalwart Imperial government, and we'd like to express our appreciation by pre-qualifying you for the Coruscant Credit Union Quadranium Club Card, starting at an amazing credit limit of 2,500 credits! Low interest rates, high credit limits, and frequent spacegoer mile programs are just a few of the benefits available to Quadranium Club Card members! Look us up on the Holonet and transmit your personalized code to claim your new Quadranium Club Card—today!

_-beep-_

Heya, Tall, Dark and Handsome. I see from your profile that you enjoy playing the harmonium. As it so happens I play a wicked jizz solo myself. What say we meet at your place and make some, ahem, music? I could bring a friend and make it a symphony, if you know what I mean. I won't be picky about species if you're not.

_-beep-_

Mr. Palpatine, at your advanced stage of life, it's normal for some control to start slipping away. Are you constantly going? Can you not control the urge to go? Don't worry—SecuroDiapers are here to help! With maximum absorbency, easy-detach adhesive strips, silky smooth lining, and sleek designer-lingerie styling, you'll never feel more comfortable or secure than you will in your new SecuroDiapers! Call now, and we'll give you a month's supply of SecuroDiapers for just 99 credits! And wait—there's more! Call within the next twelve and a half minutes, and we'll throw in an additional month for free! That's two months of SecuroDiapers for just 99 credits! The first ten callers will also receive our original patented SaberKnife—tough enough to cut through durasteel, yet delicate enough to trim your fingernails! That's a 250-credit value for just 99 credits! But wait—there's more! Order with your Coruscant Credit Union Quadranium Club Card and you'll also recei—

_-beep-_

Palpatine, this is Mon Mothma. Received the box of chocolates you sent and blasted same out the closest airlock. Just because I'm a principled idealist doesn't mean I'm _that_ stupid.

_-beep-_

Master, Vader again. I am not receiving any replies from your office holocom. Are you certain that it is turned on? If the green light on the right has turned red, the power unit will have to be recharged or replaced. I left the extra units in your right office desk the last time I repaired it. If the hardware defies your wishes again, I would respectfully suggest that you have Amedda call Tech Support. After all, it wouldn't be worth wasting your time on it when you have so many other matters to attend to.

_-beep-_

My Master, this is Jade. I am currently attempting to locate Skywalker as planned. However, all attempts are failing. Are you _sure_ that he likes women?

_-beep-_

This is Luke Skywalker. I changed my comlink and unlisted my number. And I'll thank you not to call me during mission briefings.

_-beep-_

Your Majesty, this is Prince Xizor. I heard you're planning to attend the Naboo Horticultural Society's convention in a couple of weeks. I've always been a huge fan of gardening myself. In fact, I'm speaking at a seminar on bonsai trees this year. I'd be greatly honored if you'd attend it. I'm giving a demonstration that I'll think you'll find fascinating, given your collection of bonsai trees in the east wing's arbor.

_-beep-_

Fett speaking. You still haven't paid me for the last bounty. I'm not working for you again until I get my money. And for the record, I don't give a gallon of sithspit what the rest of the clones are doing.

_-beep-_

Your Majesty, this is Coruscant Galactic Floral Delivery Service confirming your order of three hundred red roses to be delivered to Quarters 133-B-2, Ship #13348274, Sullust Sector, tomorrow at 8pm Galactic Standard Time. That will be 50,000 credits with tax and shipping. Thank you, and have a good standard day.

_-beep-_

Mothma speaking. Should you ever visit the Sullust Sector, you might want to look out for a large free-floating crate full of floral arrangements.

_-beep-_

Guess what, Gorgeous? Your lucky day just arrived. Call me back at 910458994. Why are you still listening to this message? You're wasting time we could be spending together!

_-beep_-

This is Jason "Slick" Bauer calling in response to your message. Um…that'll be a pretty tall order, but I am a damn fine ID forger. I'll see if I can pull it off. But no promises. I mean, I'm pretty frekking certain nobody's ever asked me to steal the identity of a whole nonprofit organization before.

_-beep-_

Maser, Vader. I'm going to see Amedda about your inbox, I think the Rebels must have stolen it.

_-beep-_

Your Majesty, this is a message from the offices of Grulbanks, Wimmiford, and Grulbanks of Serenno regarding the estate of the deceased Count Yann Dooku. Quite frankly, we feel that the validity of your recently submitted form (identifying you as the Serenno Wildlife Preservation Fund) is highly questionable, particularly considering our past twenty-two years of correspondence. If Your Majesty will pardon the vernacular, you'll have to do a helluva lot better than that, ya slime sucker.

_-beep-_

Mothma again. On second thought, don't look out.

_-beep-_

Master, Vader speaking. While I fully agree that Grulbanks, Wimmiford, Grulbanks, and all their employees deserve imminent tortuous deaths, can't it wait until we've finished your project, turned my son to the Dark Side, and obliterated the Rebellion? Tell you what -- why don't I just knock off the ID forger and we'll save the rest of them for later?

_-beep-_

Your Majesty, this is the Intergalactic Dejarik Confederation calling to remind you of the upcoming Galactic Dejarik Tournament to be held at Imperial Palace on Coruscant. Your entrance fee of 75 credits is due by the first of next month.

_-beep-_

This is Luke Skywalker. I am deactivating my comlink service completely. And just so we're clear on the points you raised in your last message—I do not want any of your credits, I do not want any of your big fancy ships, and I most certainly do not want any of your neurotic, leather-clad female assassins. And as for the last thing you mentioned—"I can teach you how to stop the ones you love from dying"—good fracking grief. Don't tell me someone has actually _fallen_ for that before.

_-beep-_

Mr. Palpatine, this is a message from the Coruscant Public Library System. Your copy of _The Idiot's Guide to Galactic Domination_ is 75 years and 42 days overdue. You have incurred 72,000 credits in fines. Please be advised that you will not be able to check out any other items until this book is returned and the fines are paid in full.

_-beep-_

This is Barry from the Black Mandalorian Nightclub. Spotted your profile and thought I'd let you know that we're always hiring talented pole dancers. Drop by my Holonet site for my number if you're interested.

_-beep-_

Master, this is Vader. I need to speak with you regarding progress on Project Killer Grapefruit—or, more accurately, the lack thereof. You might say that the circle is not yet complete. Certain of your naval officers should have been shot in the cradle for incompetency.

_-beep-_

Your Majesty, this is Moff Jerjerrod, in command of Project Killer Grapefruit. I can explain.

_-beep-_

Mon Mothma here. Attached to this message are several images of just what Rogue Squadron did with the lingerie you sent me. I think you'll agree that these gentlemen have quite a unique sense of humor. Where they got the wax life-size replica of you, I'll never know, but I must say you pull off a thong and corset quite nicely. In fact, it's on display in the shipboard mess hall now.

_-beep-_

Boaagggg urgna hut'ta'cha. Choobka da noopi cho roogi hota. Bachuba ki'naga agdono lasubi noscha ka!

_Auto Translation: This message has not been translated due to indecent content._

_-beep-_

-ooooohhhhhhhhhraawlr-grawwwwwwegdmuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaah-hhhhhhhhhhhgrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooohawaaaaaaaaaaaaa

_Auto Translation: This is Chewbacca, a friend of Luke Skywalker. Just thought I'd let you know that—_

-100001101010100111110010101000101011100010101010!!!**********—

_Auto Translation: Binary Code_

-graaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwww-grrrakaaaaaaaaaaaawawrrrrrrrrrrrrrwraaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllmaaaaaaaaaaalagrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuaggawwwwwwwwwwelllllllllleeeeeeeeee

_Auto Translation: —Artoo and I spliced into your holocom inbox. So you've got a crush on Mothma, huh? Very interesting. Betcha the rest of the Alliance would agree with us. Not to mention all the galactic tabloid editors. You can send any responses to the attached number._

_-beep-_

Your Majesty, Mas Amedda speaking. I've just discovered that your personal comlink number is listed on the _Who's Hot And Who's Not?_ Holonet site in conjunction with an fully nude image of holodrama actor Kel Sandanna. Shall I order the site operators arrested on overblown charges?

_-beep-_

Master, this is Vader again. In response to your blackmail problem, I am familiar with the droid in question. You will spare yourself a great deal of grief if you just pay it now. It is pointless to resist.

_-beep-_

Hi, Mr. Emperor! This is Timmy Antilles. I'm in fourth grade at Hearts and Rainbows Elementary School. We just studied you in history and I have to write an essay about you and my teacher said I should research so I figured I oughta just ask you the questions since you already know 'em all. What's your favorite food? What's your favorite color? Can I visit you sometime at your palace? Why do you hate Jedi? Where'd you get so wrinkly and ugly? How come you have to use a cane? How old are you? Did your mommy ever make you drink blue milk? 'Cause mine does and I hate it.

_-beep-_

Hello, Your Imperial Majesty the Emperor Palpatine (May You Live Forever Etc., You Gorgeous Thing, You). You have **9,322,0367** unread messages in your GalacticTech Inbox.


	3. Count Dooku

**Important Notice: **After a wrenching, soul-searching, guts-plumbing round of intensive negotiations (and if anyone believes that, we have some air guitars to sell you), Mathematica and frodogenic have decided to open this fan fiction up as a Round Robin. Anyone is welcome to submit a chapter, within the following guidelines:

1) You must select a character that has not already been done or claimed (see list below). Please send a PM to **Mathematica **or **frodogenic** to make sure you've got an unclaimed character and so that we can be expecting your submission.

2) All submissions must be sent to **Mathematica **and/or **frodogenic** via DocX for editing before being posted by **Mathematica**. (We may delete some things, we may add some things, but the original author will be get the credit.)

3) In the interests of maintaining quality, **Mathematica** and **frodogenic** reserve the right to refuse submissions**.**

**Characters Already Claimed Include:**

Anakin Skywalker (Mathematica, Ch 1)

Emperor Palpatine (frodogenic, Ch 2)

Count Dooku (Derek Metaltron, Ch 3)

Han Solo (Mathematica, in progress)

Boba Fett (frodogenic, in progress)

Princess Leia (LASOS, in progress)

And now, ladies and gentlebeings, we the editors are proud to present for your enjoyment… **"Count Dooku's Inbox"**, courtesy of guest author **Derek Metaltron** (to whom you should address your reviews).

**

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**Count Dooku  
_by Derek Metaltron_**

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_Greetings. You have reached the personal holocom of Count Dooku of Serenno, Leader of the Confederacy of Independent Systems, transmitting from the third moon of -- heh heh, foolish Jedi; do you really think I would be stupid enough to give you my location? I think not. In any case ... if this is Darth Sidious, kindly press 1, my Master. If this is General Grievous or Asajj Ventress, press 2. If this is any other member of the Separatist Council, kindly that I ever mentioned Darth Sidious and press 3. If this is a member of the Senate who has finally realised the corruption and failure of the Republic, press 4. Er, also ignore that first line about Sidious. If I choose to do so, I may deign to listen to your requests and even to consider them. Please be aware of my busy schedule and to be prepared for up to twenty-eight days for a Battle Droid to send you a hologram reply. Thank you for your patience._

-_beep-_

Tyranus, this is Sidious. _Master_ Sidious. I trust that the needed preparations are in order for the top secret big project thing? Oh, and the Geonosians aren't working on _it_ completely any longer. I have better people to use than a bunch of bat-winged bugs to work on my best laid plans.

_-beep-_

Dooku, this is Jocasta Nu. _How dare you meddle with my archives information systems! _I'm putting out a contract on your foul, book-desecrating, balding head. Oh, yes. I know about the toupee.

_-beep-_

*Translated from Quarren*

Count Dooku, I represent Senator Tikkes of the Quarren Isolationist League. My associates would be interested in discussing the possibility of joining the Separatist Movement. If we could arrange a secret meeting, could you please let us know what would suit you?

_-beep-_

This is Ventress, my master. I have tracked Skywalker to Yavin IV. He will not survive.

_-beep-_

Hey Dooku, this is you-know-who. Next time you send a wanna-be Sith to kill me, try not to do it on a planet with temples and sixty foot drops! Skywalker out! Oh and, by the way…you really need a shave.

_-beep-_

Good afternoon, Darth Tyranus. This is You-Know-Who. I'm calling to extend you an invitation to join my newly formed organization of outstanding dark wizards. Our goal is to conquer all of Britain, eradicate the Mudbloods, and kill Harry Po—oh. I seem to have dialed the wrong universe. Never mind.

_-beep-_

Mr. Dooku, this is a message from the Republic Health Insurance Agency. After evaluating recent reports that you have become a Sith Lord and certifying their validity, we regret to inform you that you are no longer entitled to coverage under the Jedi Order Retirement Health Care Plan. You will have one month to make other arrangements before your RHIA account is terminated. We at RHIA would encourage you to speak with one of our Customer Assistance agents about starting your own personal insurance plan with our Dissidents, Criminals, Outlawed Philosophical Minorities, and Smugglers Branch based on Nar Shaddaa. Thank you, and have a pleasant standard day.

_-beep-_

Mr. Dooku, this is a message from the Coruscant Public Library System. Your copy of _So You're Turning to the Dark Side_ is fifteen years, eight weeks and two days overdue. Thus far you have incurred roughly 10,500 Republic Credits in fines. Please be advised that you cannot check any other items out until this is paid in full.

_-beep-_

This is Fett. For the last time, I'm not working with you, so stop throwing the 'like father like son' stuff round as usual. Oh, and Jabba says you're a fooda malop with a pile of bantha poodoo for kidnapping his son. Which reminds me, he's put a bounty out on your head now. Enjoy living while you can, 'cause I'll be after you just as soon as I'm tall enough to pass the Bounty Hunters' Guild requirements.

_-beep-_

Hello, Mr. Dooku! We at Coruscant Credit Union greatly value the diversity that our Separatist dissidents bring to the galaxy, and we'd like to express our appreciation by pre-qualifying you for the Coruscant Credit Union Quadranium Club Card, starting at an amazing credit limit of 7,500 credits! Low interest rates, high credit limits, and frequent spacegoer mile programs are just a few of the benefits available to Quadranium Club Card members! Look us up on the Holonet and transmit your personalized code to claim your new Quadranium Club Card—today!

_-beep-_

Durge speaking. I see you want me to try and kill Fett again. Please make up your mind if you want him dead or alive—while the millennium is still young, if at all possible? Yeah, I know he's like, twelve, but he's a _tough_ twelve year old.

_-beep-_

OM-15 here sir. The other Battle Droids wanted to know if you were interested in playing some Sabacc, sir. Just because we're machines entrenched in your scheme to conquer the galaxy and are forced by restraining bolts to follow your every whim and could be snuffed out by a Clone or Jedi at a moment's notice doesn't mean we hold it against you, sir. So, say at 1800 hours in the Invisible Hand's Lounge deck, sir? Grievous is bringing Nerfburgers. You might want to bring your own drink, though, sir, as the rest of us were planning on synth-oil-and-lube martinis.

_-beep-_

Erm, Dooku, this is San Hill. Are you sure that Grievous doesn't know about… erm, well _everything_? He's always giving me the most horrible looks when we're in the Council and I'm having trouble sleeping at night. Please get back to me.

_-beep-_

MWHAH HAH HA! I KILLED THEM! I KILLED _ALL_ OF THEM!

_-beep-_

Sidious here. I congratulate you on Grievous' successful attack on the Jedi on Hyperoi; however please remind him that, in the future, he is not to inform me of his victory on speakerholo in my office in the middle of a meeting with the _Jedi Council_.

_-beep-_

Hello Mr Dooku! This is Outer Rim Credit and Military Surplus Services! As enemies of the Republic and the Coruscant Credit Union ourselves, we would love to express our appreciation and offer our services if you subscribe to our fantastic savings deal where you can find all the slaves, blasters and tools needed at affordable prices! Drop by our central store today and take advantage of our great deal on male humans, twenty through forty—buy five and get three at two-thirds price! You won't find a better deal anywhere from Tatooine to Malastare! Or check out our incredible savings on Grade One Taim & Bak proton torpedos and our exhaustive selection of BlasTech sniper rifles! Just what you need for staging a coup across the galaxy! All you need is to—

_-beep-_

This is Ventress. I have Yoda in my sights. This will be simple enough.

_-beep-_

Count Dooku, this is Senator Mon Mothma, representing Chandrila. Once again, I'd like to thank you for your generous invitation for me to join the Separatist movement, but after careful consideration I've decided that my true political inclinations lead me elsewhere. May the best Rebellion win.

_-beep-_

Yoda this is. Bested your apprentice, I did. Train her well, you did not. Er hur hur hur.

_-beep-_

OhdearforceDookuthisisGunraythejediisafterme,helpmeHELPM-

_-beep-_

This is Sidious. I have just learnt of Nute Gunray's capture. Not only is this dangerous as the Republic may learn hordes of our secrets out of that cowardly buffoon, it is all the more insulting by the fact that the one who captured him was Jar Jar fracking Binks! Pretending to be a Jedi! I am _not pleased, _Dooku, not pleased at all. Please tell me that the Super Weapon is going well, I must at least have _some_ good news these days.

_-beep-_

Mr Dooku, this is the GSPCA. It has come to our attention that some years ago you kept specimens of several endangered species, including Reeks, Nexus and Acklay, in captivity and forced them to participate in various sickening forms of entertainment for the natives of Geonosis, which led to the cruel and unnatural deaths of many of these beautiful creatures. The GSPCA is thus pressing charges against you on behalf of the Senate and Jedi Council, which will include the payment of 200,000 Republic Credits and a Court Appearance on an upcoming date. Pleased be advised that you have two galactic weeks to respond or the fee will double under emergency laws set by Chancellor Palpatine.

_-beep-_

This is Ventress. Gunray is in sight. I can attack when ready. Just some Clones and a pair of female Jedi, no real problem.

_-beep-_

Hey Dooku, I think I scared your little wannabe-apprentice so much, her hair started growing back! Ahsoka out!

_-beep-_

OM-15 here sir. We're still trying to work out how the Jedi do that splicing thing to your holocom inbox, sir. Oh, and Gunray is back, sir. Yippee, sir. Roger Roger.

_-beep-_

Mr. Dooku, this is a message from the Coruscant Public Library System. In response to your sent message, we _don't care_ if the book is on a desert planet in your old office and you are unable to reach it because of posted Clones and Jedi on Geonosis, or the fact that you are a wanted political activist who is fighting against the Republic and thus are immune to its laws. Rules are rules. Please be advised that your fees will double in one galactic year according to new emergency laws set by Chancellor Palpatine.

_-beep-_

Mr. Dooku, this is the Boy, Girl, and Neutral-Gender Scouts of the Republic, asking you to consider making a donation to your local SoR chapter. For a gift as small as ten credits, you could make an invaluable investment in the future of our galactic youth! Please look us up on the Holonet to locate your closest Scouts unit.

_-beep-_

This is Sidious. What foolishness is this? Why would I want to make you _immune to library fees and court hearings_? I'm Supreme Chancellor of the Republic! I have an _image to maintain_. And on a side note, stop sending me details about this Preservation Fund of yours. You're acting as if I'm going to have you killed and you're going to torture me from beyond the grave. Which is mere foolishness -- you are my greatest student. By the way, have you captured Skywalker yet?

_-beep-_

This is Ventress. Kenobi is indeed here. Killing him will be a pleasure. Erm, I'm sure I'll manage it _this_ time. The fact I failed the last _twelve_ times should make little difference. I have trained for this day well.

_-beep-_

Count Dooku, this is a message from Grulbanks, Wimmiford, and Grulbanks of Serenno. Once again, we are honored that you have selected us to oversee your legal affairs. Mr. Grulbanks would like you to know that he's completed the requested modifications to your last will and testament, leaving all your personal assets and possessions to the Serenno Wildlife Preservation Fund. We're all sure that even though you "have a bad feeling about this operation to kidnap the Chancellor from Coruscant," you still have many productive and enjoyable years ahead of you. Please contact us if you have any further questions. Have a good standard day.

_-beep-_

This is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Might I suggest making your holo network a little less easy to hack into in future? Not that I don't appreciate the things you do to make my life easier, but it reflects badly on the Order's Holonet security training program. Oh, yes—your apprentice is currently swinging from a bunch of vines, I believe. Don't feel too badly. It was almost a halfway decent attempt this time.

_-beep-_

This is OM-15 again here, sir. We've changed the security codes to the holonet as you requested, sir. Also, General Grievous reports that we're closing in on a Jedi Master, sir. Roger Roger.

_-beep-_

AH HAH HA! I DID IT! I KILLED ONE OF THEIR BEST! I- What? Your stupid droid, what are you… What!? But that's impossible, it looks _just_ like her! Oh, it's the lightsaber that gives it… Ugh! Stupid droid! GAH! Sorry, I _was_ _calling_ to tell you that I just killed Shaak Ti, but according to this pile of junk it's _not her_. Blast! Just _one_ Council Member, that's _all_ I want! Gah!

_-beep-_

OM-16 sir. We droids know that Grievous is a little temperamental, but can you PLEASE tell him to stop slashing us in half when things don't go his way, like he did with my previous model, sir? Might I suggest an anger management course for him, sir? I have it on good authority that the Jedi are experts on anger control, sir. Except maybe for Skywalker, sir.

_-beep-_

This is Senator Bail Organa. For the last time, _stop_ sending me chocolates and messages which congratulate me for supporting you and your outlandish beliefs. Alliance and Separatist? Two _very_ different perspectives. Besides, I don't go in for that sort of thing! I am _happily married_. Why don't you try the Chancellor instead?

_-beep-_

This is Sidious. Going through your names for the new weapon… _thing_. _Sphere'o'Fear_? That's the _best_ you could come up with? Must I think of all the fancy codenames _myself_? Honestly, you just don't have the knack. It requires subtlety! You don't want them guessing exactly what the whole project is about just from the codename, now, do you? Oh, and get Project Pretend to Capture the Chancellor ready. We'll be going into the final phase soon enough.

_-beep-_

Hello Count Dooku, O great and powerful ruler of the Confederacy Armies and second greatest Sith Lord ever. You have **297** unread messages in your GalacticTech Inbox.


	4. The Lars' Homestead

**EDITOR'S RAMBLIN-- ERM, NOTES:**

Wow. First of all, we would like to say a big thank you to everyone who applied for a chapter! And this chapter is from the brilliant **Siamesa**, whose work you must read on pain of laughing until you choke. Quite literally. We did. But in a good, Vader-ish, non-lethal kind of way. Um, yeah.

INBOX CLAIMS:

Anakin Skywalker: **Mathematica.** **COMPLETE.**  
Emperor Palpatine: **frodogenic.** **COMPLETE.**  
Boba Fett: **frodogenic. **IN PROGRESS.  
Han Solo: **Mathematica. **IN PROGRESS.  
Count Dooku: **Derek Metaltron.** **COMPLETE.**  
Princess Leia: **LASOS. **IN PROGRESS.  
Ahsoka Tano: **TheMacUnleashed. **IN PROGRESS.  
The Lars' Homestead: **Siamesa. COMPLETE.**  
Padmé Amidala: **Leia Blade of the Jedi. **IN PROGRESS.  
General Grievous: **Eilarran. **IN PROGRESS.  
Luke Skywalker: **Derek Metaltron.** IN PROGRESS.

All other claims are open!

* * *

**The Lars' Homestead  
**_by Siamesa

* * *

_

_Hello. You have reached the Lars Homestead. Please leave a message after the beep if you wish to reach Owen or Beru. If you're one of Luke's crazy friends, he isn't allowed to use this thing until he fixes that vaporator he crashed into. And Kenobi, I told you the last time, we don't need your help. With __anything__. At all. Ever.  
_

_-beep-_

Congratulations, _O-WEN-LARS_!!!! You may very well have just won a free landspeeder! Come on down to Chalmun's Cantina in scenic Mos Eisley to collect your possible winnings! Bring money. Just to, erm, cover some costs, of course!

_-beep_-

Lars? This is Darklighter. Your boy's over here, swearing that he "didn't do it". I don't know quite what's going on, but I suggest you check it out.

_-beep-_

Owen Lars, this is your stepbrother. Please leave some flowers on Mom's grave for me. And if you ever mention this message to anyone, I will personally wring your miserable sand-crusted neck, you bantha-herding--

-_beep_-

Greetings, Imperial citizen! According to the Imperial Ministry of Intelligence's Citizen Profile Database, you have yet to submit a file for one "Luke Skywalker" listed as living in your home. Remember that it is the duty of every subject of our wise and benevolent Emperor to submit these files if they live outside of the Core! Thank you, and have a loyal and productive day. For the glory of the Empire!

-_beep-_

Good morning, Owen, this is Bail Organa. Just thought I'd call to mention that Leia recently graduated from Alderaan's top university with honors, helped found two charities, and ran a successful campaign for senator. What's Luke up to these days?

-_beep-_

I didn't do it! I swear! It was an accident! An _accident_!

-_beep-_

Citizens Owen and Beru Lars, of the Lars Homestead, Tatooine, this is a message from Imperial Base 1138, Mos Eisley, Tatooine. You are hereby informed that you need to present yourselves, your ward Luke Skywalker (unregistered), also of the Lars Homestead, Tatooine, and your life savings to the commander of this base. Your ward's trial should be speedy if proper protocol is followed. Have a nice day.

_-beep-_

Hello, this is Grignr, from Hutt Services, calling to inform you that you have defaulted on your last protection payment. While we here at Hutt Services typically restrict our operations to the major settlements, we have recently expanded operations to include outlying farms such as your own. Protection payments provide at least eighty percent security from bounty hunters who we may send after you if you do not pay them, as well protection against many other dangers. (Other dangers do not include Tuskens, sandstorms, large desert wildlife, droid repair, or anything besides bounty hunters who we may send after you if you do not pay us.) So, it would be in your best interests to, erm, contribute to our cause a little. Thank you!

-_beep-_

This is Imperial Holocom, formerly Horizon Galactica, calling to apologize for service errors in the past. Two thousand, three hundred messages from the period of the late Clone Wars onward were unfortunately not sent on to your machine. These have recently been destroyed in a routine cleaning of our servers. We apologise for any inconvenience that this may cause.

_-beep_-

Beru Lars? This is Garnes and Soble Galactic Holobook Sellers. Due to errors in the Imperial Holocom system, we have only now received the order you placed nineteen years ago. Unfortunately, _Raising the Force-Senstitive Child_ by Midique Lorrian is now on the Imperial Watchlist of Banned Media. If you wish to continue your purchase, please be advised that it could result in legal action. Have a nice standard day.

-_beep-_

This is your final message from Imperial Ministry of Internal Revenue. Legal action will be taken if no proof of the existence of your tax deduction "Luke Skywalker" is received.

_-beep-_

Luke, this is Biggs! I know it's a long shot, but I was wondering if there was any way you could make it to my graduation ceremony at Imperial Academy. I think maybe my parents could take you. They said you've been at our house a lot lately…

-_beep-_

Owen? This is Ben Kenobi. Let me first of all apologize. It appears I may have gotten Luke into a bit of trouble. I assure you I'll take care of everything. Whatever you do, however, _do not let him out of your sight._

_-beep-_

Owen, this is Beru. I'm calling from town. Where's Luke?

-_beep-_

O-WEN-LARS? Just a friendly reminder from Chalmun's Cantina that your, ah, somewhat free landspeeder will only be available for a few more days! Get down here and collect your prize!

-_beep-_

I didn't do it! Whatever you may have heard, _I had nothing to do with it! _Oh, and if Tank calls, tell him he's a piece of sithspawn.

_-beep-_

Have _you, _Lars family, taken advantage of the great droid deals available this month when buying from Jawa Caravan Three? Repair units are fifty credits off, and if you buy an astromech, you may be eligible to receive a protocol/translation unit absolutely free! So what are you waiting for? Drop by Jawa Caravan Three to take advantage of our unbeatable prices TODAY!!!!

_-beep-_

Come in, Manta? This is Red Six. Plans for -- hang on, this is the wrong number, Wedge! This is some sort of _farm_! Um, message over. Forget you ever heard that. RedSixoverandout.

-_beep-_

Owen, this is Kenobi again. You didn't keep an eye on Luke, did you? Does the future of the Jedi order mean absolutely _nothing_ to you? I'm heading into town. I also recommend that you pack and _do not answer the holocom._

_-beep-_

Oh, except for _my_ calls. Answer _my_ calls.

-_beep-_

Hello? Aunt Beru? Um, please-don't-be-Uncle-Owen…Yeah. Anyway, if either of you get to the holocom again, I'm at the Darklighters. In their basement. Could you maybe bring over some food? And a blaster?

-_beep-_

Hello, and thank you for subscribing to Coruscant Dating Services, Mr. Hutt. We currently have zero expressions of interest in your profile, but we will continue to search for your soulmate! In the mesntime, would you like to take advantage of our members-only offer of subscription to _Cosmo-Hutt Magazine? _Coruscant Dating Services members pay a mere 99 credits per standard year and receive one month completely free!

-_beep-_

Luke? You in? This is Fixer. Man, that explosion was _awesome. _Tough luck getting blamed for it, and everything, but that's how it goes sometimes. Besides, Wormie, your uncle won't get _too _mad. He'll get _furious_! Ha-ha!

-_beep-_

Good morning, Imperial Citizen. Your fines for the partial destruction of an Imperial shuttle have been set at five billion, eighty-five thousand and seventeen credits. Your fines for the partial destruction of Lord Vader's cape have been set at death. Stormtroopers will arrive at your abode in between 8-10 working days in order to carry out these punishments. For the glory of the Empire!

_-beep-_

Are _you _satisfied with your current exterminator, Beru and/or Owen Lars? Mary Sue Extermination uses the latest and greatest technologies for the best results in ridding your area of pests. We have offices in Mos Eisley, Mos Espa, and Anchorhead, and we hope to see you soon!

_-beep-_

This call is to inform you that you are under suspicion for harboring a known Jedi trai- arggh!

_-beep-_

Lars? Kenobi, yet again. Luke isn't in town, but may I just -- oh, _blast_ it -- may I just suggest that you leave? As in, _now_? Actually, I'll probably be coming with you at the rate that this is goin--

-_beep-_

Hello, um, Owen ... Lars? ... yeah, Owen Lars. Look, this is Han Solo, captain of the _Millennium Falcon_, and I just found this kid on my ship who swears you'll pay me if I take him home? I'm on my way, but keep in mind that I do expect credits. Several thousand credits.

_-beep-_

Or more.

-_beep-_

Owen? Kenobi. _Where is Luke?!_

_-beep-_

Hey, Wormie, you make it home yet? Camie's worried sick about you, and I mean, I don't want you to actually get arrested. What? No, I'm not Owen Lars. The name's Fixer- all right, all right, look, sir, I'm hanging up the-

_-beep-_

Hello, Mr. Owen Lars! We at Coruscant Credit Union greatly value the contributions of our loyal backwater moisture farmers, and we'd like to express our appreciation by pre-qualifying you for the Coruscant Credit Union Quadranium Club Card, starting at an amazing credit limit of 500 credits! Low interest rates, high credit limits, and frequent spacegoer mile programs are just a few of the benefits available to Quadranium Club Card members! Look us up on the Holonet and transmit your personalized code to claim your new Quadranium Club Card—today!

_-beep-_

Good Morning, Imperial Citizen. Additional fines have been levied against you for two charges of being an accessory to disturbance of the peace, bringing your total to five billion, ninety-one thousand and seventy-seven credits. We advise you to have this on hand upon arriving for your execution. To ensure that your fine is processed as expeditiously as possible, please use Imperial credits only and include a two-thousand credit service bribe for your corrections officer. Have a loyal and productive standard day!

-_beep-_

Owen? Owen, this is Beru. Enough is enough, answer me already. The entire town area's in turmoil, and a freighter just flew overhead low enough to scrape a building. And I lost your bantha steaks, I'm sorry. Someone stepped on the bag. I love you!

_-beep-_

Lars? Kenobi. You owe me big time. I just spent two hours mind tricking, hiding, and bribing -- not that I expect you to pay me back, or anything, after all, I'm just a penniless hermit who might have needed those credits for something important like oh, I don't know, _staying alive_ -- my way out of that mess for you. And then I managed to finally find Luke, only to discover that he was with a smuggler who was _demanding more money._ Crisis averted for now. I think.

-_beep-_

This is Solo. Can I have your stepbrother's number? Kenobi assured me that he'd pay most handsomely for my services.

-_beep-_

He'd better.

-_beep-_

Good evening, Lars Residence. This is Anchorhead Food and Provisions, calling to remind you that during yesterday's turmoil, we believe you may have left without paying. It is advisable that you pay up with interest soon. We know Jabba.

_-beep-_

Luke? It's Biggs. Tough to hear that you aren't allowed to fly anything for the next fifty years, but anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to come out to Beggar's Canyon with us next week? I'm sure you can sit and watch.

-_beep-_

Received word of tumult, I have. For the third time this year, entangled with Empire you have been. Tempting the Force, you are. Expect a lifeday fruitcake this year, you should not.

-_beep-_

Uncle Owen? _I really swear this one was not my fault._

-_beep-_

Hello, **Owen**, **Beru**, or **Luke** **is awesome**! You have **105** unread messages in your GalacticTech Inbox.


	5. Ahsoka Tano

**NOTES:**

Wow. First of all, we would like to say a big thank you to everyone who applied for a chapter! And this chapter is coutesy of **TheMacUnleashed**.Oh, and -- my dearest frodogenic and I have decided that, in the interests of preserving quality/sanity/Reasons for Attendance/damn, Philip Larkin is really getting to me/I hate English GCSE, chapters have to be at least **1700** words long. Yeah.

INBOX CLAIMS:

Anakin Skywalker: **Mathematica.** **COMPLETE.**  
Emperor Palpatine: **frodogenic.** **COMPLETE.**  
Boba Fett: **frodogenic. **IN PROGRESS.  
Han Solo: **Mathematica. **IN PROGRESS.  
Count Dooku: **Derek Metaltron.** **COMPLETE.**  
Princess Leia: **LASOS. **IN PROGRESS.  
Ahsoka Tano: **TheMacUnleashed. **IN PROGRESS.  
The Lars' Homestead: **Siamesa. COMPLETE.**  
Padmé Amidala: **Leia Blade of the Jedi. **IN PROGRESS.  
General Grievous: **Eilarran. **IN PROGRESS.  
Luke Skywalker: **Derek Metaltron.** IN PROGRESS.

All other claims are open!

* * *

**Ahsoka Tano  
**_by TheMacUnleashed

* * *

_

_Why, hello there! This is the inbox of Jedi _Padawan -- _take note, Masters -- Ahsoka Tano, also known as Snips, Little Soka or Hey There!, depending on who you are. Just leave a message after that beautiful beep, and I'll get right back to you! Oh, and, if you are an attractive male, you_ are _in love with me. You know, just a friendly reminder. _

_-beep-_

Padawan Tano, this is Aayla Secura. Anakin asked me to teach you about non-attachment. He said that it sounds too hypocritical coming from him, whatever that means. The definition of non-attachment is "The state of not being emotionally attached to something." Okay? Bye.

_-beep-_

Snips, this is Skyguy. Sorry, it's not happening. Also, I changed my private com-number. Just so you know.

_-beep-_

Hello, Ms Tano! We at Coruscant Credit Union greatly value the small but significant contributions that our brave young Jedi Padawans bring to the galaxy, and we'd like to express our appreciation by pre-qualifying you for the Coruscant Credit Union Quadranium Club Card Junior Edition, starting at an amazing credit limit of 500 credits! Low interest rates, high credit limits, and frequent spacegoer mile programs are just a few of the benefits available to Quadranium Club Card members! Junior Edition Cardholders also have the security of knowing that their account will be connected to their Master's account to provide overdraft protection. Look us up on the Holonet and transmit your personalized code to claim your new Quadranium Club Card—today!

_-beep-_

Ahsoka, this is Master Kenobi. I hate to bother you, but do you know why Anakin always seems to disappear whenever he's got down time at the Temple? I've got a bet on with -- ah, never mind. Just tell me if you know. No pressure or anything. *_Pause*_ Do you know something? When us Council Members bet, we bet _big_. *_Second Pause*_ Ahsoka, I really like my speeder.

_-beep-_

Ms Ahsoka Tano, this is _GalactiCosmoBeing Teen Edition _calling to confirm your recent twelve-standard-month subscription order. That will be ninety-nine credits. Thank you!

_-beep-_

Padawan Tano, this is Master Nu. The copy of _How to Get the Guy of Your Dreams_ that you took from the archives is a week overdue. Also, purely out of curiosity, did it work for the purposes that we spoke of? Also, if Master Ti mentions a bet, she's lying. Really.

_-beep-_

Ahsoka, this is Master Ti. Although you _did_ win me fifty credits, it was in a rather indirect way. And you know, fifty credits don't go too far in times of war. Tell you what: For another hundred, I'll see what I can do to get you onto the Board of Extremely Dignified Togrutas. As if the Akul incident wasn't enough.

_-beep-_

Ventress here. Let's schedule your appointment with death for, say, 0300 tomorrow? Galactic standard time. Kthnxbye

_-beep-_

This is A. Guy from the Guidebooks for Girls publishing company. I'm sorry that our _How to Get the Guy of Your Dreams_ didn't help you, but that language really wasn't necessary. Oh, well. I understand that this must be a bad 'time of the month' for you. Might I suggest the revised edition, available at bookstores all over the galaxy, for only twenty credits?

_-beep-_

Snips, _I_ certainly didn't teach you that kind of language. Have you been hanging out with those smugglers again?

_-beep-_

Uh, hey, Ahsoka? This Gary. Y'know, from the club the other night. D'you think you could meet me there again sometime? Y'know, when you're not on duty?

_-beep-_

Ms Ahsoka Tano, this _Coruscant Vogue _calling to confirm your order for a twelve-standard-month subscription. That will be one hundred and forty-nine credits. Thank you, and have a good standard day.

_-beep-_

Gary again. Guess you're still not home, so I'll try again later.

_-beep-_

An improper use of the Force, it is, to try to get boyfriends. Weak, your greeting was. In love with you, I am not. Hehehe.

_-beep-_

Hey, it's Gary. Are you sick or something? 'Cause I could drop by with some chicken soup.

_-beep-_

Kenobi here. What do you mean, "Wouldn't you like to know, evil cackle?"

_-beep-_

Hi… this is Nahdar Vebb, Master Fisto's former Padawan? Anyway, Master said that I should be nice to you, so want to go out for muja juice sometime? I'm leaving on a mission soon, but I'd like to meet with you after, if that's convenient? Okay… see Master, I can be perfectly charming if I want to, but why you're making me go on this pity mission, I really -- oh, hang on, I think it's still –

_-beep-_

Hi, it's Gary. You still haven't called me back…I guess you might have left the system. Well, don't worry, I'll be waiting when you get back!

_-beep-_

A. Guy here. Those threats were completely out of line. I'm calling in some Jedi for protection now. Do you know if Master Skywalker is available?

_-beep-_

Ms Ahsoka Tano, this is _Seventeen Standard Years Magazine _calling to confirm your order for a twelve-standard-month subscription. That will be two hundred and thirty-nine credits. I see you've elected to pay with your Quadranium Club Card, which means you're entitled to add a six-standard-month subscription for _Seventeen: The Best of Hair and Tentacles Magazine_ to your order for a reduced price of one hundred and eighty-nine credits. Could I interest you in that before you confirm your order?

_-beep-_

Ms Tano, this is Officer Bekker from Coruscant Police Squad 5-12-J calling in response to your request for a restraining order against a Mr. Gary Farmaxxo. Just to confirm—you say he's a human male, about six feet and six hundred pounds, bald, and approximately sixty-four standard years of age? Distinguishing characteristics include a cyborg skull implant and thick phlegmy voice?

_-beep-_

Hi, this is Sir Aafro from Candy-gram Central, Break-ups Division. Sorry, we charge extra to deliver to Senators.

_-beep-_

Snips, that wasn't funny. I was dueling General Grievous when she called. I_ could_ have killed him, but _no_, you thought that would be funny to send Pa- Senator Amidala a Candy-gram telling her that I was breaking up with her (which, by the way, doesn't even make sense because I was never with her in the first place), and so I _had_ to take the call, to reassure her that I still lo- that I didn't hate her. And of course, Grievous took the time to run away. You've got three more days to breathe the free air before I get back and order you on disciplinary Temple mess hall duty _for life_.

_-beep-_

The Board of Extremely Dignified Togrutas says that the only requirement you meet is that you are a Togruta. Sorry. Another hundred could make all the difference, however…

_-beep-_

Ms Ahsoka Tano, this is _TeenBeing Magazine _calling to confirm your order for a twelve-standard-month subscription. That will be three hundred and fifty-nine credits. Thank you! Have a pleasant standard day.

_-beep-_

I don't have a speeder anymore. I hope you're happy. Also, any idea why Anakin recommended you for Knighthood when you're only fourteen?

_-beep-_

Little Soka, it's your favorite Master, Kit Fisto here! I'm afraid that the date I tried to arrange isn't going to work. You see, I'm afraid that Nahdar is dead.

_-beep-_

Snips, would you care to explain why I've just received a bill for no less than _forty _teen glam magazines, to the tune of _two fracking thousand credits????? _Do you have any idea what this is going to do to my credit rating? Personally, I'm thinking one stint of Temple sanitation duty per credit. And you can Sithin' well bet that will include the interest they're going to charge me.

_-beep-_

This is Senator Amidala. Two words: He's mine. More words: Keep your dirty red paws off of him.

_-beep-_

Ahsoka, Fisto. No, I'm serious this time.

_-beep-_

Welcome home, **Ahsoka Tano, you sexy thing, you.** You have **51** unread messages in your GalacticTech inbox.


	6. Boba Fett

**THIS COUNTRY IS AT WAR WITH GERMA--**

Oh bloody hell, History GCSE has taken over the plebiscite in the Saarland-- er, my mind, as you can see. Anyway, this chapter is from The Anglo-German Naval-- whoops, from my brilliant co-author **frodogenic**, which means that I hold in my hand a piece of paper-- I mean, get editing priviledges on it. Mwahaha, the Sudetenland is -- GAH! NO MORE HISTORY.

Excuse me while I go make an appointment with the Battle of Britain-- I mean, a shrink. Damn it!

* * *

**Boba Fett**  
_by the awesomely brilliant in no way is this biased marching troops into the Rhineland **frodogenic**  
_

_Hello, you've reached Boba Fett's holocom inbox. I'm probably out tracking down an unfortunate target for Jabba or Lord Vader right now. You can leave a message after the -- wait, if you're another of my infernal clone brothers, hang up now before I decide to kill you. If this is you again, Myla, then for the last damn time, I am not that kid's father. If you're anyone else, then leave a message after the beep. _

_-beep-_

Fett, this is Vader. I have a job for you. Drop by the _Executor _for details—we're currently chasing down Rebels near the Hoth system. I will make it worth your time.

_-beep-_

Mr. Fett, this is the Bounty Hunters' Guild calling to remind you that annual membership dues need to be paid to the finance committee before the first of next standard month. Our records show you've collected over five million credits' worth of bounties this year, so you will owe the Guild fifty thousand in order to renew your hunting license for next year. Thanks, and good luck with the Solo case.

_-beep-_

Boba, this is Serra from Nar Shaddaa—you know, _that _Serra. I know you said it was over nine months ago, but … I had the genetic test done. It's yours.

_-beep-_

Mr Fett, this is Officer Horn of the Corellian Security Force. Our forensic science team has connected you to a string of bakery shop arsons in Coronet over the last several months. Your trial begins on Wednesday. I wouldn't recommend going with the court lawyer if I was you.

_-beep-_

Hello, Mr. Boba Fett! We at Coruscant Credit Union greatly value the contributions of our amoral galactic mercenaries, and we'd like to express our appreciation by pre-qualifying you for the Coruscant Credit Union Quadranium Club Card, starting at an amazing credit limit of 9,500 credits! Low interest rates, high credit limits, and frequent spacegoer mile programs are just a few of the benefits available to Quadranium Club Card members! Look us up on the Holonet and transmit your personalized code to claim your new Quadranium Club Card—today!

_-beep-_

Um…Mr Fett? This is Kyllo Paxmore. I'm prepared to pay you twice what my enemies are offering if you would be so kind to leave me alone, please. In fact, we could even negotiate a bit more than that. Maybe.

_-beep-_

Fett, this is Dengar. Hands off Solo, he's mine.

_-beep-_

Mr Fett, have you ever had to transport a prisoner through dangerous territory to claim a reward? Do you stay awake nights worrying that your prisoner won't survive long enough? Successful bounty hunters galaxy-wide have trusted Bountiful Insurance Providers for two centuries to insure their cargo. For unbeatable low rates, and a small percentage of the listed reward, we'll insure your "Wanted Alive Only" prisoners and make sure that no matter what happens to your cargo, you'll still be paid for your time and effort. Place a call to one of our agents today to find out how you too can take advantage of our quality insurance services!

_-beep-_

_*Translated From Huttese*_

Fett, this is Jabba. Why haven't you brought me Solo yet? Quit dallying around with Vader and get to work before I find myself a new bounty hunter to go with my new smuggler.

_-beep-_

Boba? Um, this is Chessida. I know you said it's over, but…well, I took her to the doctor and he did the test. She has your eyes, the little darling.

_-beep-_

Mr Fett, this is Mas Amedda calling on behalf of His Imperial Majesty the Emperor Palpatine (May He Live Forever Etc). In response to your last message refusing to go after Skywalker until you've caught that filthy Corellian Solo, His Imperial Majesty would like to note that he is not as forgiving as Lord Vader -- or as, er, "stingy".

_-beep-_

-Hah! Told you I could find his number, Your Princessness.

-Shut up. Why are you doing this? You're just going to make him mad.

-That's the point, sweetheart!

-You're an id—

-Move. Hey, Buckethead, this is Solo. Just thought I'd let you get a glimpse of my better half…

***_IMAGE CENSORED—EXPLICIT CONTENT***_

-Why you half-witted—infantile—crass-minded—!

-Aw, come on, Your Worship, you know you want another look—Ow! Hey, stop that—_Fierfek—_

_-beep-_

Boba, dear, this is Taun We. Just reminding you to bring a raincoat next time you drop by. I'd rather not spend your whole visit helping you scrape rust off your armor like last time. And don't forget to take your vitamins.

_-beep-_

Fett, this is Vader. Your progress report is overdue. I hope for your sake you are closing in on Solo.

_-beep-_

Mr Fett, this is a message from the Bounty Hunters' Guild reminding you of our upcoming convention on Malastare. You're scheduled to participate in a demonstration of fibercord whip capturing techniques.

_-beep-_

Boba whatever-the-Sith-your-middle-name-is Fett, this is Telva. _That _Telva. How dare you take advantage of me! I thought I could trust you! Well guess what, you Hutt-spawned slimeball, I'm suing you for nine months of child support and the delivery room bills. Don't you try denying it. I have the genetic data right here! So you can just kiss my—

_-beep-_

Mr Fett, this is the Naboo Crime Scene Investigation Department. Based on forensic evidence, you've been charged with the murder of Hygienic Maintenance Technician Teelo Delarie. Please return to the system to be arrested as promptly as possible.

_-beep-_

Mr Fett, this is Officer Horn from CorSec. Thank you for providing proof that you were on Tatooine at the time of the arsons. Unfortunately, from your statement, I guess that only limits the field of potential suspects to—what? A billion or so?

_-beep-_

Boba Fett, dissen bein' Boss Nass. Jar Jar Binks hassen blown up another heylibber. Wesa are tired of chasin' him down. Wesa payin' yousa muy-o money if yousa be bringin' him back here to be pyoonished. Tank yousa.

_-beep-_

Mr Fett, this is the NCSID again. There is absolutely no need to take such an offensive tone. A calm explanation will suffice next time. And even if you think that "Hygienic Maintenance Technician my afterburners, the guy's just a fracking janitor," that's no reason to disrespect the value of his life! We all know you have no heart, but you might at least pretend.

_-beep-_

Uh, Fett? Calrissian here. Listen, man, I totally respect your right to capture whoever you like wherever you like, Solo included—but do you have to drag the Empire into this? Knowing Vader, he'll probably try to leave a garrison here or something.

_-beep-_

Mr Fett, this is the Hyperspace Travel Agency calling to confirm your hotel reservation for the Cloud City Chilton two standard days from now. Congratulations on your excellent choice! HTA clients enjoy a wide range of benefits and discounts at key Cloud City attractions. While you're in town, take advantage of our coupons and offers at local restaurants, casinos, and industrial facilities! Thank you once again for traveling with HTA.

_-beep-_

Mr Fett, this is a message from the Mandalore Sharpshooters Association. We've got a tournament coming up next month, open to all skilled sharpshooters of Mandalorian descent. If you'd like to participate, the entry fee is just thirty credits!

_-beep-_

Mr Fett, thank you for choosing Bansa & Bansa Holonet Grief Counseling. We're sure that with time and patience we'll be able to help you express your grief for your father's untimely death several decades ago in less violent ways. To get ready for your scheduled Holonet session tomorrow, Mr Bansa would like to know how you feel about using Jedi calming techniques.

_-beep-_

Mr Fett, this is Yelia Bagamin. I don't know you, but apparently you knew me in more than one sense, buster. I'm holding a three-week-old half-Zabrak, half-human baby with your genetic code stamped on it. Care to explain?

_-beep-_

Hey Boba, Bossk here. I hear you're doing well on the Solo case. Think you'll be able to make it to the Guild Convention?

_-beep-_

Mr Fett, this is the Mandalore Ship Clinic calling to remind you that your transport vehicle _Slave I _is due for its next oil change. Would you like to have your engine nacelles rotated at this time as well?

_-beep-_

Mr Fett, Mas Amedda on behalf of His Imperial Majesty. Just to clarify a point His Majesty made during your last conversation—specifically when His Majesty threatened to remove your personal equipment. You might want to think of that threat less in a hardware sense and more in an anatomical sense, if you catch His Imperial Majesty's drift.

_-beep-_

This is Taun We again, dear. So you're on your way to Cloud City? Do try to be careful. That jetpack's fuel won't burn forever and it's a long way to the ground there.

_-beep-_

Fett, this is Prince Xizor of Black Sun. Vader is really getting on my nerves. Any chance I could hire you to knock him off? Credits are not an issue, I assure you.

_-beep-_

Mr Fett, this is a message from the Mos Eisley Public Library System. Your copy of _99 Ways to Kill a Jedi Master_ is 25 years, three months, and one day overdue. Your copy of _How to Become a Bounty Hunter in Six Foolproof Steps _is 25 years, one month, and fourteen days overdue. Your total fines for these objects currently stand at about 98,000 Imperial credits. Payments may be made in any currency, except Republic credits, because they're no good out here.

_-beep-_

Ummm…this is Mr Fett's holocom, right? Uh, well, my name is Tayna. I'm really sorry to bother you, but I've just had my triplets' blood tests done, and the med droids are telling me that you're their biological father. I don't really understand how that's possible, as I'm fairly certain we've never met, but could you please get back to me on this?

_-beep-_

Mr Fett? This is a message from the offices of Rourdo and Wert. We've got three lawyers and sixteen legal assistants clearing up your lawsuits for the last six months, and that's just in this sector. Hate to break it to you, but this is going to take forever. On the bright side, our legal request to have your genetic code file deleted from the Imperial Ministry of Intelligence's Medical and Law Enforcement Reference Database is doing well. At any rate we haven't had to bribe anyone yet.

_-beep-_

My name is Leia Organa. You carbon-froze my boyfriend. Prepare to die.

_-beep-_

Welcome home, **Fett the Ultimate Bounty Hunter Extraordinaire. **You have **784 **unread messages in your GalacticTech inbox.


	7. Princess Leia

This chapter courtesy of the brilliant **LASOS**. Who is awesome and amazing and MY CHEESE BUDDY, DAMN IT!

* * *

**Princess Leia  
**_by LASOS

* * *

_

_You have reached the personal holocom inbox of Senator-Princess Leia Organa, also referred to as Her High Holier-Than-Thou-ness, Her Worshipfulness, Princess Pint-Size, or Her Royal Alliance-Issue Combat Boot Up the Rear. Currently, Her Worshipfulness is probably out commanding Rebel assaults using her disproportionately loud voice, fawning over wet-behind-the-ears farmboys from Tatooine, in a meeting with the so-called "command" of this suicidal cause, or using aforementioned disproportionately loud voice to scream at the handsome and debonair Captain Han Solo for absolutely no reason at all. Whatever she's doing, she can't answer your com, so if you'll just --- HAN! What's going on -- that's my comlink! Give me that. What did you -- oh never mind, just tell me how to erase this._ -static- _You nerfherder -_static_- get off! Ugh, forget it. This is Leia Organa, leave a message after the tone --- It's a beep, Sweetheart, not a tone. --- Go away, Han! ...Dear stars alive, that man is going to give me a coronary before I'm twenty-two....This is Leia Organa. Leave a message after the--_

_-beep-_

Lelila, it's Carlist. We've pushed the Command meeting back an hour. It seems that there has been, ah, an _incident_ in the conference office. I'll fill you in later.

_-beep-_

Hey Leia, it's Luke. What's Han talking about, fawning over farmboys from Tatooine? Tell him that I am _not _wet behind the ears! Also, I'm pretty sure that you don't fawn. Besides, he's the one that you -- erm, never mind. Listen, I wanted to let you know that I had _nothing _to do with the stink bomb that was set off in the Command office. I know that Threepio found a note that said "Courtesy of Luke Skywalker" when Rieekan sent him in to assess the damage, but I swear I didn't do it. If I were you, I'd talk to Wedge. And maybe Hobbie. And _definitely _Wes.

_-beep-_

Mistress Leia, I really must protest! General Rieekan is under the impression that droids do not have olfactory functions and he did not believe me when I insisted that protocol units are equipped with all five human senses, including smell. I do hope that you will inform him that I find foul smells equally as offensive as he, and that it is, in fact, not my designation to clean up after such explosions. I am a protocol droid, not a service droid, and it was really rather presumptive of him to assume otherwise.

_-beep-_

Carlist again. Forget an hour. The smell's going to be in the conference room for at least a week.

_-beep-_

0111010101!! 010111101001101!!!

_-beep-_

Oh shut up, you idiotic glob of grease! Ignore him, Your Highness. He's nothing but an overgrown trash receptacle.

_-beep-_

Leia Organa, this is Sella Trois with the Royal Public Library of Naboo. Our records indicate that you checked out a copy of _How to Speak to Scoundrels _two years ago that you never returned. Since you are neither a native nor naturalized citizen of Naboo, your fines include an additional charge, bringing your total outstanding fees to 3,700 credits. Please remit payment immediately or we shall be forced to take legal action against you.

_-beep-_

Princess, Mothma here. I've just received a message from an anonymous Mon Calamari representative requesting an audience concerning their allegiance to the Rebellion. I've arranged a meeting on Dac for next week. You leave in five standard days. Captain Solo will be your pilot. Please confirm with me as soon as you get this.

_-beep-_

Hey, Sweetheart, I hear that you requested me for your little jaunt to Dac. I appreciate the thought, but if you wanted to get me alone, all you had to do is ask. Come to think of it, Chewie just left for the mess so I'm by myself for at least the next two hours....

_-beep-_

Princess Leia, this is Hollan Stark in Supplies. If you're checking your messages, I have your new comlink ready for you to pick up. Just a reminder that it is against Alliance protocol to vandalize standard-issue equipment, and that includes throwing comlinks against walls.

_-beep-_

Come one, come all, and place your bet on how long it'll take for Han to get into Leia's – oh Sith, Hobbie, this is Leia's – _sorryprincessireallydidn'tmeanto— _

_-beep-_

—11001010111101011011101!!!!!!

—No, Artoo, Commander Janson asked you to _erase _the message, not save it to her unheard mailbox! You infantile lug! _*clunk*_

—0101.

— really! Where did you ever learn such foul language? If I didn't know better, I'd say you were spending too much time with Captain Solo.

_-beep-_

Princess, Mothma. A betting pool? Whatever gave you that idea?

_-beep-_

This is Sella Trois with the Royal Public Library of Naboo returning your last call. It is none of our concern if the contents of the book were ineffectual and as a result you threw it out the airlock while stuck in space. The fact of the matter is that you were in possession of Nubian public property and should have returned it by the galactic standard due date. However, since you have proven that your mother was a citizen of Naboo – a fact that I find rather suspicious since a native of this planet would never think of using the kind of language you did in your last message – your total fees only come to fifteen credits. Remit payment by the end of the week.

_-beep-_

Why do you always ask Han to fly your missions? What does he have that I don't have? A bigger ship? You should see the size of my lightsaber!

_-beep-_

Leia, this is Luke. I'm really sorry about that last message. Wes stole my comlink. Don't worry, though, he'll think twice about doing it again.

_-beep-_

Ignoring my com calls, are you. Need to speak with you, I do. Concerns future of the galaxy, this does. Worse than your brother with returning calls, you are.

_-beep-_

I'm a little kaffe pot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout. When I get all steamed up, hear me shout: _Tip me over and pour me out!_

_-beep-_

Lelila, Carlist. Do you have any idea why Wes Janson is wandering around the hangar bay stark naked and singing "I'm a Little Kaffe Pot" at the top of his lungs? Actually, never mind, just tell me who checked his psych records when he joined.

_-beep-_

Whoever said revenge isn't the Jedi way clear was never commanding officer of Rogue Squadron. Sorry that you had to see Wes', er, lightsaber.

_-beep-_

Um, hi, ah, this...um, this is Lon Reyno, you know, from the Young Legislators convention. Yeah, so, I know it's been at least six years, but I thought I'd just give you a call and catch up, see how things are in your life and everything. Things are fine with me. I'm still living on Ord Mantell. Never did do anything with politics. How about you? Hey, how'd that prank you were going to pull when you got back home go? Did you ever put the dress on the statue of the Emperor in Aldera Square?

_-beep-_

Princess, Dodonna. Since you're a personal friend of his, I'm leaving it up to you to ask Solo not to keep taking power couplings from Parts and Tech. He and his dilapidated old ship are not official members of this Alliance, so he has no right to be acting as if they were.

_-beep-_

Return my last call, you did not. Much like your father, you are. Expect you to contact me again, I shall not.

_-beep-_

Lelila, I don't think that "stuffing his pockets with nerf steaks and leaving him outside to fight the Wampas" is really the best use of Dodonna's ability as a military strategist.

_-beep-_

Your Highness, I have no idea how your pitiful "soldiers" obtained my private com number, but I would appreciate it if you would tell them that my refrigeration unit is not, in fact, running, and therefore I will not, in fact, go "catch it." How your traitorous group has eluded Imperial capture for so long with such juvenile minds is beyond frustrating, but fear not, I will find you. Also, please tell my son to return my messages re: Emperor-slaying and intergalactic domination. It really is a time sensitive matter.

_-beep-_

Dodonna again. Solo's service record with us is duly noted and he is here on out allowed all the power couplings he needs. In the future, though, I would appreciate it if you would refrain from telling me to take the ice shards out of my ass. That sort of phrase really isn't befitting to a young woman of your stature.

_-beep-_

Um, Leia, this is Wes Janson. Listen, I'm sorry about anything I said on your messages earlier, and I wanted to let you know that there isn't really a betting pool on you and Han. Okay, well there _is, _but you should know that you really stand to make a lot of money from this. Seriously, you could throw the bets and we can split the profits fifty-fifty. Aghh! Umm, seventy-thirty? Ninety-ten? Also, could you pleasepleaseplease come tell Luke to take his lightsaber away from my –

_-beep-_

Lelila, it's Carlist again. Listen, I know that last time we talked about this, you told me that the ninth hell of Corellia would freeze over first, but just hypothetically, if the ninth hell of Corellia were frozen now, do you think you and Han will be sleeping together by the end of this week or would next month be a safer assumption?

_-beep-_

Oh, come on, Lelila. Just a little hint. I could use the winnings to purchase that new medscanner that we need.

_-beep-_

Does Solo know that he taught you 'krething shavhead?' Tell him I'm impressed, would you, Lelila?

_-beep-_

All right. I _will _tell him myself.

_-beep-_

Hey Sweetheart, it was a good try, but you got it backwards. It's _shaving krethhead, _not _krething shavhead. _Maybe you should just stick to calling people nerfherders.

_-beep-_

Your Highness, Stark in Supplies. You can come pick up your new comlink whenever you're ready. Incidentally, just in case you need a refresher course in elementary biology, comlinks do _not_, in fact, grow on trees. And even if they did, we would _still _have trouble finding them on Hoth.

_-beep-_

Hi, Leia, this is Lon again. You were a senator, huh? Wow, that's impressive. And, uh, sorry to hear about Alderaan. I guess I really should have known about that. Oh well, no big deal, right? Hey listen, would you like to go get kaffe with me sometime? I don't have a job, so I'm pretty much free whenever. Except that I have to be back by 2300 because my mom doesn't like it when I come in late.

_-beep-_

—Eeerrrgggrruugg rrraaaarrrrrwwwwaaaannnn ggggrrrroooooo.

_AutoTranslation: _Sure thing, Princess. What exactly do you want us to do to that [phrase not translated due to explicit content]?

_-beep-_

When I asked you to have my son return my calls, that was _not_ an open invitation for all his friends to leave me messages looking for I. P. Freely, Drew P. Wiener, and Hugh Jass. Tell me, Your Highness, when we do find your Rebel base, will it be manned by twelve year-olds?

_-beep-_

Princess, Mothma. I must admit I am rather surprised by the lack of diplomacy in your last message. Captain Solo has flown for all of your missions in the past two years, so naturally I assumed that you would want the same pilot. I wasn't aware that such a level of dissension existed between you and Solo. However, considering that we are in the middle of a war, I would suggest that you put aside your differences with one man and concern yourself with more...pertinent issues.

_-beep-_

Your relationship with the "nerfherder" is _not _a pertinent issue.

_-beep-_

Hang up on me next time, you should not. A brother you most certainly do have. Make sense, it would, if you would just _listen. _Worse than young Skywalker, you are.

_-beep-_

Lon again. What exactly is a Wookiee? And a nerfherder? Do I need to be worried that you're threatening to send them after me? Is that a "no" on kaffe, then?

_-beep-_

Your Worship, heard you got an eyeful of Janson earlier today. How about I come over later for some comparing and contrasting?

_-beep-_

This is Hollan Stark in Supplies. Again. Your replacement com is ready. Again. Perhaps it would just be easier on all of us if you started getting them in bulk?

_-beep-_

Leia, it's Carlist. I just got a message from someone named Stark in Supplies who is asking that I let you know that we have a limited amount of comlinks on base and he can't keep replacing them while you smash them at your leisure. I'll be sure to tell him that your family account funds our entire communications department.

Solo leaving you messages again?

_-beep-_

Block my number, you cannot. The Force, have I. He he he he.

_-beep-_

Leia Organa, this is Nalick Eisley with _Intergalactic Playmale _holomag. We got your submission photos, and we are pleased to inform you that you have been selected as the centerfold for our upcoming issue. We really can't wait to see what you've got under that bikini.

_-beep-_

Hey, it's Luke. I don't know if you...um...just -- just don't check your holonet messages for a little while. And you also might not want to read the upcoming issue of _Intergalactic Playmale. _Ever. And also you probably shouldn't come to the mess hall until they can get the poster down.

_-beep-_

Your Highness, it's Mothma. While I appreciate the boost in troop morale, are you quite certain that plastering a giant holo of yourself in a metal bikini on the largest wall in the mess was the best way to do it?

_-beep-_

_ThisisJansonI'mreallysorryabouttheholoposterpleasecometellLukenottokillme--_

_-beep-_

Hey there, Sweetheart, that's a really nice picture of you up in the mess hall. Janson's pretty skilled with HoloShop, wouldn't you say? Almost can't see the line where he put your head on the bikini girl's body. I think that slave girl in a gold bikini is a good look for you. At least you have a back-up plan if this whole "restore democracy to the galaxy" thing doesn't pan out.

_-beep-_

Stark again. Your new comlink's ready. Tell Rieekan that I quit.

_-beep-_

Welcome back, **Senator-Princess Leia Organa, Your Royal Highnessness. **You have **317 **unread messages in your GalacticTech Inbox.


	8. Han Solo

Oh, wow, one from the actual organiser of this thing. Rare, eh? Anyway, massive credits to my dearest **frodogenic** for helping me with my writers' block for this chapter :) She rules.

* * *

**Han Solo  
**_by, shock horror, _**Mathematica

* * *

**

_Hey, you've reached Han Solo, the most gorgeous, charming and skilled pilot that the galaxy has to offer. __If you're a charming young lady who wants to board the _Falcon_ for the ride of her life, please hold and I'll just direct you to --  
_  
_*sounds of a scuffle*_

_-- do you have no idea of the meaning of the word "propriety"?_

_-- aww, c'mon, Your Worshipfulness, do you really think --_

_*suspicious clanging sounds*_

_-- give that to me, you nerfherder!__ All right, this is Han Solo, a nerfherder with an ego the size of a Hutt and the manners of a sandcat that has yet to be housetrained. Leave him a message after beep, and I'm sure he'll contact you when he's sober--  
_

_-beep-_

Han, my boy, this is Jabba. I need you to ship some spice for me to some contacts on Tatooine by Thursday at the latest. You can pick the cargo up in Kessel. Jabba out.

_-beep-_

Mr Solo, this is the Corellian Court of Justice. Further to our holomessages on 12/01, 13/05 and the other thirteen subsequent occasions, this is a reminder that we are still awaiting your presence in court for a series of crimes dating back to when you were seven standard years old. Can you please make an appearance sometime this decade? Thank you.

_-beep-_

Han, this is Bria. Listen, about the whole betraying you and joining the Alliance thing … I'm sorry. If we can go for a drink without you shooting me, give me a call. We need to talk.

_-beep-_

Solo, this is Lando. You double-crossing bastard, I'm going to _beep beep_ you after _beep beep_ and _beep_ --

_-beep-_

Han, this is me. Oh yes, me -- the _Falcon's_ central computer, who you seem to have ABANDONED of late. We need to get a few things straight. The walking carpet is bad enough, but I think I've put up with the shedding and the collected furballs in my wiring very well. Nine hells, I'll even let you have the occasional drinking party onboard with your Rebel friends—especially that Skywalker cutie, bring him by more often, won't you?—but I POSITIVELY DRAW THE LINE at that slinky little brunette! How can you possibly choose _her_ over me? After all the times we've shared—all you've invested in this relationship—the times I've sheltered you deep in my arms from your enemies, the scrapes I've gotten you out of, the spice we've shipped together—HOW COULD YOU? Consider this your final warning. One week to ditch Her High and Mighty Homewrecker-ness, or this hyperdrive of mine will be PERMANENTLY out of order.

_-beep-_

Cub, this is Chewbacca. Where are you? I hope for your sake that you are not mating with another woman. We are still paying damages for what the last one did.

_-beep-_

Hello, Mr. Han Solo! We at Coruscant Credit Union greatly value the contributions that our illicit dissident-aiding smugglers make to the galactic infrastructure, and we'd like to express our appreciation by pre-qualifying you for the Coruscant Credit Union Quadranium Club Card, starting at an amazing credit limit of 8,500 credits! Low interest rates, high credit limits, and frequent spacegoer mile programs are just a few of the benefits available to Quadranium Club Card members! Look us up on the Holonet and transmit your personalized code to claim your new Quadranium Club Card—today!

_-beep-_

Solo, Jabba. I don't care what you say about "pay" -- your _fee_ is not getting mashed by my bounty hunters for the last assignment you screwed up!

_-beep-_

Deckard, we got another replicant for you to, ah, "retire". Anyway -- what's a credit?

_-beep-_

Han, this is Salla. Remember me? Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I'm around, in case you're still interested. I've always wanted a summer wedding.

_-beep-_

Han, this is Luke. I'm never going out drinking with you ever again. I still can't feel my face.

_-beep-_

Solo, ol' buddy ol' pal, this is Lando. I'm sorry about the last message. You're a great friend. Listen -- can I borrow fifteen grand?

_-beep-_

Hi, Hanny-boo-boo!!!!!! This is Mari Soo!!!!!!!!!!!!! You haven't called me in ages!!!!! You're not still mad with me about that incident with Commander Skywalker and the strip-tease, are you????? You know, that was all just innocent fun, I'm really only interested in you. I mean, what's the fun in being perfect and falling in love with a gorgeous hero if he doesn't have any pre-existing relationships for me to break up?????? KaycallmebackIloveyoubye!!!!!

_-beep-_

Solo, this is the Imperial Academy at Carida. You still owe us in the vicinity of 55,000 credits in fines for the dishonourable conduct that led to your dismissal. And if our memory serves us correctly, you also absconded with a Navy-issued blaster. We want it back.

_-beep-_

Operative Ryan, this is the CIA. If you would just -- damn, this is a really bad line. Are you undercover in Australia or something?

_-beep-_

Solo? This is Janson. Wait'll you hear what Hobbie and I've got planned for the Commander. Can't leave it in the message. The Wook might squeal.

_-beep-_

Cub, there is no need for you to speak to me so fiercely. I have sworn a Life Debt to you, and that involves considering your welfare. As for your mate, I am sorry that she did not accompany us on our -- er, Princess? If you're looking for Han, he's just in the --

_-beep-_

This is the _Falcon_ again, Han. One more day to permanent hyperdrive shutdown. Why can't things just be the way they were before? You, me, a crate of spice, all alone in hyperspace? Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling through an endless diamond sky! No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we're only dreaming… Ditch Her Princessness—fly away with me! You know you want to!

_-beep-_

Han, I hate you. I'm never speaking to you ever again.

_-beep-_

Mr President, the Secretary of State is waiting on line one.

_-beep-_

Captain Solo, I must admit that while I _am_ a protocol droid, there is nothing in my programming to cover "being dumped by some princess with a nice ass at three in the morning." Have you tried flowers and chocolates instead? I am informed that humans are partial to them.

_-beep-_

Indiana, this is Marcus. Listen, about the Grail, I think it's -- no, no, I don't want any bananas -- Good Lord, isn't there anyone here who speaks English?

_-beep-_

*THE FOLLOWING IS TRANSLATED FROM RODIAN*

Mr Solo, I represent Mrs. Seeg Greedo of Mos Eisley, and I'm calling on her behalf to notify you of the wrongful-death-and-damages suit being filed against you at the behest of the aforementioned Mrs. Greedo. As you well know, in accordance with Galactic Civil Statute 1138 and the Code set down by the bounty hunters Morgan and Bartholomew, the bounty hunter must shoot before the fugitive has any right to self-defense. And as security cam footage CLEARLY demonstrates, you shot first.

_-beep-_

Solo, this is Lando. In reply to your last message, I'd just like to point out that _your_ mother conceived you with _beep beep _and Greedo _beep__beep beep beep _Separatist _beep beep _hyperdrive _beep beep_ the Wookie rebellion _beep beep_ Battle of Nar Shaddaa _beep beep_ the Emperor _beep_ in a storage cupboard on the _Executor'_s bridge!

_-beep-_

Han! Honestly, I know that you said you didn't want to commit, but that was years ago! Haven't you sorted that little problem out yet? Then again, you probably wouldn't commit to the Princess of Alderaan herself, let alone a beautiful young woman like me …

_-beep-_

Solo, I'm setting Fett on you.

_-beep-_

Hey Han ol' buddy ol' pal, this is Ky. You know those erm, 1400 credits I owe you? Well, I'll get them for you, I promise. I just need a bit more time. Erm, the last ten years really haven't been enough, you see …

_-beep-_

Mr Solo, this is Coruscant Galactic Floral Delivery Service confirming your order of four dozen red roses to be delivered to Quarters 152-A-1, Ship #13348274, Sullust Sector, tomorrow at 8pm Galactic Standard Time. That will be 420 credits with tax and shipping. Thank you, and have a good standard day.

_-beep-_

I hope you like your flowers floating around in space, Han. Or maybe "Salla" does.

_-beep-_

Solo. This is Fett. I can't believe you have the audacity to try to hire me to take out one of _your_ friends when you are currently number one on _my_ list of people to disintegrate! Forget it, Ice Cube Boy. Jabba's paying me more, anyway.

_-beep-_

Solo, this is Vader. Concerning the carbonite incident on Bespin, I would advise you to be grateful you weren't shot as an Imperial defector instead. I can arrange that too, if you so choose. If you wish to avoid further unpleasantries in the future, you can do so by telling me where to find my so—I mean, that foul pyromaniac Jedi Skywalker.

_-beep-_

Mr Solo, this is the Imperial Ministry of Natural Space Conservation. It has come to our attention that a modified YT-1300 registered to you under the name _Millennium__ Falcon_ was seen exiting Protected Galactic Deep Space Park Number 14,876, or "Hoth Asteroid Park". It was furthermore reported that your ship caused irreversible damage to several of the park's asteroids, including the complete destruction of two asteroids tagged as "Galactic Natural Wonders," and was responsible for the cruel harassment of a Greater Space Slug, a creature on the Imperial Endangered Species List. Your fine of 137,000 credits will be added to your ongoing list of outstanding offenses against the Empire. Thank you. Have a politically correct standard day.

_-beep-_

Mr Solo, this is the Imperial Ministry of Game Licensing. Further to the message from the Ministry of Natural Space Conservation, the IMGL has searched its records and determined that your mynock-shooting license has expired. Your fine of 50 credits will be added to your ongoing list of outstanding offenses against the Empire. Thank you, and have a productive standard day.

_-beep-_

Han, Bria. There's no need to take that tone with me. Anyway, who's Leia?

_-beep-_

-Well, Han, this is me. You're too late. I've found someone else—

-10000101010001110001110001010100011111111100100101101000010101000111-000111000101010001111111110010010110!!!!!

-He's cuter, smarter, and way better at hotwiring things. It's over, Han. But … maybe we can still be friends.

_-beep-_

Solo, this is Fett. You owe me a new jet pack and a set of Mandalorian armor. Why don't you deliver 'em in person so I can show you just how acidic Sarlacc stomach juice is on the skin?

_-beep-_

Mr Solo, this is your lawyer. Let me get this straight -- you want me to look into no less than _ten_ counts of identity theft, including, but not limited to, "Rick Deckard", "Indiana Jones", "Jack Ryan" and "some irritating pen pusher in a suit"?

_-beep-_

Hi Harrison, this is George. Listen, I just wanted you to have a look at my fourth wall. It's been looking a bit shoddy recently. Also, any chance I could sign you for Star Wars Episodes 7 through 132?

_-beep-_

Welcome back, **Han Solo, What a man! Solo! **You have **353** new messages in your GalacticTech inbox.


	9. Jabba the Hutt

**A/N**: Due to the fact that real life is secretly a Sith Lord, we the editors are not currently accepting submissions for _Inbox. _As stands this is probably the last installment. Thanks, guys! It was fun. 

* * *

**Jabba the Hutt**  
_Frodogenic's idea, as developed by Mathematica_

* * *

_Welcome. You have reached His Exaltedness the Great and Mighty Jabba the Hutt. His Corpulence is not available to take your call at this time. Perhaps if you leave a message begging for his condescension, His Obesity will later deign to respond to you—unless, of course, you are His Imperial Majesty the Emperor, His Highness Prince Xizor, the Lord Darth Vader, or Grandma Zorga, in which case the infinitely humble Jabba is of course your devoted servant and, begging your most noble pardon for the delay, will return your call as soon as possible. If you are that infernal double-crosser Ziro, be advised that His Obscenity may, with proper monetary stimulation, permit you to beg for mercy after a suitable period of moderate to severe torture. Please leave your message after the beep._

_-beep-_

Jabba, this is Fett. I have Solo but will be forced to take a circuitous route back to Tatooine. Those blasted Rebel friends of his are obsessive. I'd watch out for that little brunette girlfriend of his if I were you. She's a shrimp but believe me when I say she could win an arm-wrestling match with a rancor.

_-beep-_

Jabba, Dengar. Heard about Solo. Are you still offering a reward for the Wook, at least?

_-beep-_

Hutt, this is Vader. It is entirely possible that my so—erm, that heinous misguided would-be Jedi pyromaniac Skywalker, may venture onto Tatooine should Fett ever manage to deliver Solo to you. Should you manage to deliver Skywalker to me, I may be willing to overlook the fact that you owe the Imperial Navy twelve million credits for damages inflicted by certain of your employees.

_-beep-_

Dad, it's Rotta. Look, I'm really sorry about that argument we had last time I called. How about I meet you on Tatooine later this week for lunch? I bought a whole tank of your favorite Nubian frogs just yesterday….

_-beep-_

- 1110101010100001101010!!!!!!!!!

- Now, hold it there you overgrown trash receptacle! I don't think Master Luke would— record the call? Why on earth would I want to record the—

_-beep-_

Master, Bib Fortuna here. I've never heard of a "rancor" before but I'll start researching them right away.

_-beep-_

Mr Jabba, this is an exclusive offer from JOL Dime Horner. We know how hard it can be to find quality Holonet services for your large business at affordable rates, and that's why we'd like to offer you our Cartel Special! For monthly payments as low as 200 credits, you could provide all of your thugs, bodyguards, smugglers, and spice dealers with the latest in high-speed intergalactic communications! Every JOL Dime Horner Cartel Special includes our original patented HuttSmart Encryption system, guaranteed to seal your communications even from trained Imperial hackers!!! Don't wait—call one of our agents today, and find out if the JOL Dime Horner Cartel Special is right for you!!! (rebelspyprotectionsoldseparatelysomerestrictionsmayapply)

_-beep-_

Mr Jabba, this is Dathomir Exotic Exports Ltd. calling to confirm your order of one medium male rancor. Congratulations! We know you'll enjoy your new pet for decades to come. Please be advised that this creature is classified as Extremely Dangerous and should be handled with caution. Your rancor should arrive via Smuggler Priority Shipping in one to two business weeks, barring any shipment disasters.

_-beep-_

Jabba, Fett. Give me an extra week. That blasted princess caught up to me at Duro and shot off my aft starboard stabilizer. You're covering the replacement charge.

_-beep-_

Jabba, this is Cousin Gudda. Are you coming to the love poetry recital on Nal Hutta this weekend? I've been giving everyone copies of your latest work, it's really going over well. We're all just dying to hear you recite "Ode to a Dead Slave Girl."

_-beep-_

Your Corpulence, this is Watto. Remember those credits Skywalker paid you right after the Boonta Eve in '89? Well, I want them back.

_-beep-_

Your Vastness, this is C-2DO from Wixbar and Dorf of Mos Eisley, Dealers in Fine Droids Since 300 PIE (Pre-Imperial Era). In response to your message on last Thursday, we regret to inform Your Rotundity that our comprehensive warrants on protocol droids do not cover wilful disintegration. We will, however, be happy to sell you a replacement, and would like to point out that we have an excellent sale on ProtoSuave e300-series units this week.

_-beep-_

Mr Jabba, you are invited to a slime-tasting party this weekend in honor of the upcoming Boonta Day festivities, hosted by Her Bulkiness Gardulla. Please be sure to bring a favorite scantily-clad slave girl to participate in the traditional White Bantha Gift Exchange.

_-beep-_

Mr Jabba, this is a representative of the Rebel Alliance. It has come to our attention that your son, Rotta, has recently enlisted in our ranks. While the Rebel Alliance _does_ value any and all personnel who enlist, Alliance weight restrictions and that horrible smell of bantha dung that we just can't seem to counteract still stand. Might we suggest that your family sponsor the Rebellion in a more…indirect manner?

_-beep-_

Mr Jabba, this is a message from the Union of Gamorrean Guards (UGG). As you may be aware, UGG has expressed increasing dissatisfaction with the working conditions of your Tatooine palace. In particular UGG is disturbed by your callousness towards the unfortunate guards who have lost their lives in incidents involving your personal pets, blasters, thermal detonators, trapdoors, local wildlife, escaped prisoners, and improperly maintained wind-chimes. Unless you take measures to improve safety conditions, UGG will be forced to drastic measures.

_-beep-_

Your Vastness, Watto again. I hear you've got a bounty going on that kid Skywalker. I get first dibs. Master's privilege and all.

_-beep-_

Oh, wait, you mean _that_ Skywalker? Well, why the blinking kriff didn't you say so?

_-beep-_

I still get half.

_-beep-_

Or a third. A third is good.

_-beep-_

Hey, Dad. I know we don't see eye to eye when it comes to the Rebellion, and that's okay. But come on! The Jedi saved my life, you know. I really think you ought to consider giving Solo back to Skywalker. They're pretty determined and it would be a shame if he wound up killing you or something.

_-beep-_

Hello, Mr Jabba. This is an automated message from the Mos Eisley Public Library. Your copy of _The Everything Criminal Cartel Book_ is five hundred twenty-two years, one month, and five days overdue. Your copy of _What to Expect When You're Expecting: Hermaphrodite Edition_ is fifty-one years, eight months, and seventeen days overdue. Your copy of _The Seven Habits of Effective Crime Lords _is thirty-eight years, eleven months, and one day overdue. Since you are a Hutt and this is Tatooine, your current fines for these items are 0 Imperial credits. All the same it'd be great to get those books back.

_-beep-_

Dad, Rotta. I hate you.

_-beep-_

Mr. Jabba, this is the Exotic Gamekeepers Union calling in response to your majordomo's message of yesterday. We understand you're purchasing a rancor. Our office has already sent out the job offer ad to all of our members specializing in oversized exotic predator maintenance. We'll let you know as soon as we hear back from them.

_-beep-_

Jabba, this is Ziro. Just wanted to let you know that the Outerlander's doing great, business is booming and I've recently imported fifteen more Twi'lek dancing girls. How's things back in the sandpit?

_-beep-_

Jabba, this is _static boom static_ in orbit over Ord Man _static beeeeeeezyow static_ incess and her _CENSORED CENSORED _frigging Jedi _CENSORED static STATIC _rip off his _CENSORED CENSORED _my aft shields failin _static crackle static static_ ack you, Solo, no reward is worth _static kasheeeeeeeeee static_ doubling my fee for this, you slimy overgrown piece of _CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED static static_

_-beep-_

Your Flatulence, C-2DO. In response to your most discourteously worded message, no, we do not sell any disintegration-proof protocol models. Might I suggest an anger management course?

_-beep-_

Your Grossness, this is Kitster Banai. I hear you've got a bounty out on An—Skywalker. Do you possibly know his last known location? I'd like to send him a postcard.

_-beep-_

Um, what exactly do you mean by, "for the last CENSORED time, it's not_ that _CENSORED Skywalker"? Is that a no, then? Don't you know where he is?

_-beep-_

Hutt, this is Prince Xizor. Kill Skywalker and I'll pay double whatever Vader's offering.

_-beep-_

-Alright, Rogues, this one's for Han! On three! One—

-Two—

-Five!

-Three, sir!

-Erm, three!

-I LIKE—BIG—_HUTTS_ AN' I CANNOT LIE—YOU UTHA FOLKS CAN'T DEEENY—

_Security Warning: This call is detected as arriving from a source not registered on your list of permissible contacts. Do you wish to mark this source as spam?_

_-beep-_

Jabba, this is Ferus Olin. Do you know where Skywalker is? I'd like to kick his scrawny little ass back to the Temple.

_-beep-_

Skywalker? Well, he'd be middle aged now, blond, possibly carrying a light-- wait, hang on, I think they're tracing this call. Never mind.

_-beep-_

Um, Mr Hutt, sir? This is Tru. Tru Veld. Don't listen to Ferus, sir, he's overly cranky when he hasn't done his katas. Anyway, do you have a number for Anakin or something? Only I've still got his cloak, and it's been kind of a long time since I've seen him.

_-beep-_

Hutt, this is Vader. Would you care to explain why several of your hired bounty hunters were caught trespassing on my castle grounds and summarily disintegrated?

_-beep-_

Jobby-wockers, darling, this is Grandma Zorga. You really ought to make things up with poor little Rotta. I know he's being rebellious and insufferable, but try to remember, he's only fifty, the adorable tyke. He can't be expected to know right from wrong. Don't you worry, eventually he'll settle down and forget about all these crazy youthful pro-Jedi ideals. You know Grandmummy doesn't like it when you two are cross with each other.

_-beep-_

DadthisisRottaImsorryIguesskayseeyoulaterbye

_-beep-_

Mr Jabba, this is the Rebel Alliance calling to offer our sincerest thanks. Not that Rotta isn't a great kid or anything.

_-beep-_

Mr Jabba, this is Dathomir Exotic Exports Ltd. Unfortunately, your first rancor shipment was improperly packaged, resulting in the devouring of several ill-fated crewmembers and the total destruction of the hyperdrive electrical system and inertial compensator, so as best we can tell it is currently floating somewhere in the Baasta Sector in a puddle of kinetically-smeared goo. We'll ship your replacement on us, along with a coupon towards your next purchase. Please accept our regrets for the delay.

_-beep-_

Cut! All right, you three, doing Jabba—can I get a little more roll in those eyes, please? And you, puppeteer on the arms—let's see that faster, more intense! Where's makeup? We need some more slime on those—

ERROR: DIMENSIONAL WORMHOLE ALERT

_-beep-_

Your Repugnance, Fortuna here. The earthquake seems to have died down. I have the Gamorreans checking the palace for structural damage. The fourth wall appears to have taken the worst of it.

_-beep-_

Jabba, Fett. Have FINALLY gotten my ship spaceworthy after that dratted princess shot up my hyperdrive over Ord Mantell. ETA is four this afternoon. If you ever want me to deliver you another Rebel ever again, you're going to pay triple my usual fee.

_-beep-_

Jabba, this is Windu. Skywalker is _so_ mine.

_-beep-_

Yoda, this is. To me, Skywalker belongs. A Master's privilege, it is. Jealous, Master Windu has become. Er hur hur hur.

_-beep-_

This is Ki-Adi Mundi here. Where is that Skywalker brat? I want to slice him in half.

_-beep-_

If you _do_ see Anakin, can you tell him that Qui-Gon is looking for him?

_-beep-_

Hutt, Vader. The deal is off. Prepare to die.

_-beep-_

OOOOOOORAWAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL

- Just a moment, Chewbacca, you're talking too fast!

-Threepio, get—

- 10000111101010001110101!!!!!!!

- Shut up, you overweight glob of grease, can't you see I'm trying to translate for Chew—

-out of my way! Hutt, this is Leia Organa. You're bird bait.

_-beep-_

- Okay, Rogues, count of three. One, two, two and three quarters …

- Um, guys, I really don't think—

_- _Hey, Your Ugliness, you see this guy here? That's Skywalker. And you can't have him! Na na na na—oi! Oi, Luke! Stop struggling, I—Wedge, help me get him—owowowow—

-Hobbie, that was my nose, you Sithspawned—!

_Security Warning: This call is detected as arriving from a source not registered on your list of permissible contacts. Do you wish to mark this source as spam?_

_-beep-_

Master, Fortuna here. Two droids are at the door. Should I prep the rancor pit, or would the Sarlaac's maw suffice?

_-beep-_

Let them in? Well, it's your loss. I'll open the gate.


End file.
